Defying Gravity
by Acerbitas
Summary: Yuki has broken up with Shuichi on Tohma's advice, but now he is pushing away Tohma as well. Tohma realizes his life has revolved around Yuki, and finds that he is helpless without Yuki, instead of the other way around. TohmaxYuki [complete w epilogue]
1. Chapter One

Wow, my first Gravitation story, and my first attempt at a continuing story since I was into that sad little show known as Yu-gi-oh. I've found it's a rather alternative pairing that I'm using, so please accept Tohma x Yuki into your hearts and try to see Tohma's side of the story as everything unfolds. I know a lot of people don't like Tohma, but I'm asking you to give the poor guy a chance. Please review!

This is an edited version -blush- I made an error about them going to school together, and they really didn't. Thanks Silverone!

**Defying Gravity**

Acerbitas

**Chapter One**

Eiri's breathing was light and soft and his silky blonde hair was endearingly disheveled. Mouth twitching upwards, Tohma affectionately brushed away a lock that was threatening to fall into Eiri's slightly open mouth. He eased himself off of Eiri's bed, distracted by a halfway open drawer that was stuck suspiciously outward. Enormous eyes peering mildly inward, he was met by a large print shop picture of an ecstatic Shuichi and an aggravated Yuki. Underneath, he found an odd pink pullover that his Eiri would die before wearing. Pulling them both out, Tohma stared at them for several seconds, then stepped over to the trashcan near the door and let them drop. Suddenly, he jumped. An alarm clock was beeping and Yuki was groaning loudly in aggravation.

Yuki hit the alarm clock, but nothing happened. Now, he was pissed. "Shut up," he growled fiercely, striking it twice in quick succession, "Shut the hell up!"

Tohma strode over to the other side of the bed, saved the alarm clock from injury, and flipped it off lightly. "Good morning!" Tohma chirped pleasantly, peering over Eiri with a sweet smile, "I made you some coffee!"

"What did you do? Sleep on the couch?" Yuki's hand shot out and snatched the now silent object from Tohma's cradling fingers. "I told you to leave last night," Yuki growled sleepily while throwing off his covers in a fit of temper, "And I meant it. Leave. You've fucked with my life enough already." He sat up and blinked ferociously. "Why do you have to come over every stinking day and make a huge mess trying to help me? I can do things on my own, in case you didn't notice. Hell, things turn out _better_ when I do them myself." Eiri pushed himself out of bed and started towards the door, then stopped and stared at the trash can, "What are you doing with my stuff?" His half monotone voice was tinged with frustration and annoyance. Reaching down, he salvaged Shuichi's sweater and photo from the trash and placed them carefully back where they had been before. Tohma's eyes fixed on Yuki's fingers as they brushed over Shuichi's features as tenderly as Eiri could muster.

"You need to get over him," Tohma told him in a motherly tone, "You can't hold onto him forever, it's not healthy for you." He gazed at Yuki endearingly, "Please Eiri. _Please_ listen to my advice."

"Shut up. It's not healthy for me to have _you_ around either," Yuki stomped toward his kitchen in a sleepy daze, "I think _you_ need to realize that we're not teenage boys having a little love fling anymore, and that I'm not the innocent kid I was. Do I look like I'm in need of protection? Do I?" Not waiting for an answer, Yuki continued to the kitchen unabated.

Tohma felt his emotions rush together into a convoluted mess. He told Eiri to get over Shuichi and move on. He told him not to cling to things of the past. He told him to do everything that was good for him, but couldn't accomplish the same feats himself. The few months that Eiri and Tohma had been together were something that Yuki viewed as a mere passing love affair. Tohma, however, had dwelled upon those few moments of happiness for the rest of his life, flitting constantly over Yuki in a desperate attempt to protect and care for him. He told himself persistently Eiri needed him, he convinced himself Eiri wanted him, desired his company. Finally, desperately, he had married a woman he could never love, to cling to a love that could never happen again.

They reached the kitchen and Tohma took a chair, folding his hands together and gazing protectively at Eiri. Yuki helped himself to Tohma's coffee, and then put it to his lips. Suddenly, he made a small muffled sound, "Why the hell is there so much sugar in this?" He gave Tohma a dirty look, "I hate this much sugar!"

Tohma's eyes widened and a pained look crossed his countenance, "I thought you liked lots of sugar!" In New York, he had watched a slightly happier Eiri pour large packs of sugar into his coffee, grinning sheepishly as he did so.

For a second, Yuki stared into the coffee cup with distaste. "This is disgusting." Yuki poured all the coffee into the sink and set about making a new cup, "I'm trying to lose some weight."

Tohma got up and came over, attempting to take the coffee package from him. "No, let me make it," Tohma smiled at him hopefully, "I make it right this time."

"You're as bad as Shuichi," Yuki told him blandly, pulling the coffee out of his reach, "No, you're worse. Shuichi just tried to be helpful, you act like a mother. I can do things by myself. I. Can. Do. Things. Myself. Got it? Now for the hundredth time, get out. Go see my sister, have a blast. Do anything. Just leave me alone."

Tohma was not giving up that easily. Almost shyly, he reached his hand to Yuki's and placed it on top of his. A younger Yuki smiled cheerfully at him in his mind, hand stretched out innocently and acceptingly, "Come on Tohma, go to the park together!"

Tohma returned to reality reluctantly, realizing the new Yuki, the cold Yuki, had said something, "What did you say?" he asked as Yuki turned from him and stomped towards his refrigerator.

Eiri smiled slightly, thinking he had won a small battle. "I said stop touching me or I'll tell my sister on you." He reached up and grabbed a large box of Raisin Bran.

"She wouldn't put it past me, and on top of that you know she wouldn't care," Tohma said, a slight hint of bitterness and pain creeping into his voice, "It's not like I'm attracted to her anyway. She got a piece of me, and I got a piece of you. It's a deal. A business deal."

"Well, fine then. Go back to your business deal. Whatever. Just _get out_. And don't come back."

As Tohma headed towards his flashy BMW, ready to drive back to his large suite and his beautiful wife, he felt a great surge of rejection and hurt well up inside of him. He knew Yuki was just stressed because of his deadlines, but he wondered how long Yuki would still open his door and let Tohma in when he called. He felt like he had failed somehow in his protection of Yuki; he felt as if he had been rejected. Yuki didn't need him anymore, but instead of feeling proud of Eiri's independence, he felt dreadful. Why did he feel like this all the time, and why was the pain never any less? He was just trying to make Yuki content, but everything he did just made Yuki get even more angry and frustrated. It almost seemed as if someone had taken his happy, sweet lover of nineteen and destroyed his personality, leaving him with this cold, cruel shell. Yet somehow this didn't stop Tohma from refusing to move on, from leaving things as they were and going on with his life. All of his other emotions he swept under the carpet, refusing to allow them to influence his decisions. He discarded people like he discarded objects, anyone that wasn't useful he eliminated or destroyed. But now he was the one being rejected and removed. He loved Yuki with such passion that a deep desire to protect and care for him constantly consumed him. However, it was a confusing type of love. It wasn't a simple need to leap into Yuki's bed, and it wasn't a romantic love either. It was something else, and Tohma couldn't define it. It was something that ate away at him and consumed him with unhappiness and grief as he constantly made wrong turns and found dead ends. It was a devoted, affectionate love that was constantly being trampled on.

He got into his car, stuck the key in the ignition, and let himself drop helplessly over his steering wheel. Tears escaped his usually bright eyes and rolled down his cheek into his fur collar. He sniffled and felt his shoulders shake weakly. Soon he was weeping, unable to stop thinking about something that would never go back to the way it had been before. Yuki didn't need him anymore. After fifteen years of revolving his life around Eiri, Eiri was finally breaking the final ties of a long friendship. Tohma's last act of love had been to remove Shuichi from Yuki's life. Everything was hopeless. His life was worthless now. And at that thought, he choked and placed his hand over his quivering mouth. He sat in his motionless car for an hour or more, weeping, not ready to go home to Mika, and with nowhere else to go.


	2. Chapter Two

I'm worried about this chapter. I've made Tohma feel very guilty, and I'm not sure if it fits his personality at all. My freind said maybe it's a side he doesn't show to anyone, and I agreed with her and decided to keep it. Please tell me what you think, because I really don't know! Is he OOC? Does it fit?

**Chapter Two**

As Tohma stepped wearily from his car, he felt his heart plummet. The light was on in the kitchen, glowing steadfastly through the enveloping darkness. Mika had waited up for him—again. He didn't want to know how late she had waited up for him the last two nights, worrying about why he hadn't called and why he hadn't come home. He always told her: "Don't call me, and don't wait up for me. I'm working; you know I'm working." Half the time, it was a lie, and when he said it he felt guilt crawl around in his heart like a black widow spider. She would nod, an accepting gesture, but her eyes would shine fiercely and he would feel like she was staring right into his brain. He could almost see her being able to pull all his guilty thoughts out into the open, see her reading them like a book lying open and tempting. Usually, it was just the thoughts in his head that were unfaithful. Usually. There were also the times when he slept in his office just to avoid her. "I'm working, don't wait up for me." His own words echoed hollowly around him, almost as if they were mocking him. That horrid lie bounced around in his head, bounced and bounced until he couldn't stand it any more.

Sighing, he rubbed his eyes resignedly and locked the car with a flick of the button on his keys. He thought fleetingly about not facing her, mumbling about being tired and needing sleep. But that thought quickly passed. He knew if he did, and even heavier remorse then that which already existed would hang over his head when he awoke.

Mika opened the door, and was greeted by Tohma's warm and affectionate smile. Did she know it was fake? Could she see through him like Eiri could? He could barely look into her sharp blue eyes. Almost Eiri's eyes. Unable to take on those piercing needles any further, he turned abruptly from her and began to remove his coat. He felt her hands behind him, helping him and guiding his tired fingers.

"Did Eiri kick you out?" she asked gently.

He started, body tensing and head jerking up. Guilt and fear clashed together, two rushing waves meeting and combining into a ghastly union. She knew he had lied. She had trusted him and he had lied to her.

"He called. He sounded frustrated. He gave me some cryptic nothingness about you being annoying and irritating. I understand you're trying to help him, Tohma, but I think you need to leave him alone for awhile."

Mika wasn't angry; she wasn't hurt. She didn't know how Tohma longed to kiss Eiri again, to breathe into his hair, to touch him, to cuddle close to him. His body relaxed slightly, but pain now laced him, so real that it felt as if Eiri had stabbed him directly in the heart with a knife. He removed his black hat and cradled his head in his right hand, "I can't deal with it." He told Mika, voice nearly a whisper, "I can't deal with being away from him, and I can't deal with being close to him either. Everything I try to do to help him goes wrong, it all just falls apart in my hands and I can't fix it. And he blames me, Mika. He blames me and he can't forget."

He felt gloved hands stroke his hair affectionately from behind. The other side of Mika's usually fierce and tough personality was something that few saw, and Tohma did not believe he deserved it. Such soft fondness should not belong to him. Mika continued to stroke his hair, even as half of him longed to stop her, to protest and confess, confess the graveness of his sins. "You're not the only one. He pushes everyone away. I don't know…I don't know what the matter with him is anymore. He's so far gone, and we can't seem to bring him back. Maybe we need to just let him come home on his own."

"I can't to that," Tohma told her simply, "I can't let go of him, and I can't let him suffer alone."

"I know," she said quietly, "I know."


	3. Chapter Three

Hey everyone! This chapter is pretty long compared to my last two. I love writing dialogue scenes, where people just talk for a long time, so I'm really happy with this chapter. Horray! I changed the ending alot from my first draft too. Tohma's more in character. Hope you like it!

**Chapter Three**

_Beep._ "Yuki?" Shuichi's panicked voice was interlaced with gasps and sniffles, "Yuki, please pick up the phone! Yuki, please…I'm sorry I broke the cup five days ago…I'm really sorry! I should have realized it was important to you, I mean, it was blue, and blue is your favorite color and…" _Beep._ Eiri emotionlessly flipped the message machine to the next message. "Yuki! Yuki!" Shuichi sobbed heartbreakingly into the phone, "I guess I should have realized it wasn't the cup! I'm so sorry, and now your're even more angry at me! I love you, Yuki! Yuki, please, if you're there, I'm here, I'm here! I love you, Yu—" _Beep. _"Yuki? Yuki, if you don't pick up, I'm going to die! I'm going to…sniff…die!" _Beep._ "Yuki, I love you. I love you so much, that I have to do it. I-I have a knife! I'm going to do it! Now I'm really—" there was a small gasp of anguish, "Shit! That hurt, owowow! Band-Aid!" _Beep._ Odd shuffles and occasional murmurings was all that could be deciphered. Suddenly, "Yuki, can you hear me? Yuki! I know what I did! That one time, I left the light on in the bathroom overnight! I-I-, that really pissed you off! I-I'm so sorry, I wasn't thinking, I was just so excited because you were actually smiling at me and I…I just was reckless…" _Beep._

Yuki shut off the phone, eyebrows furrowed so deeply he looked like an angry bear, "That's a sample. A fucking appetizer! I can't deal with it, damnit. Every five minutes, another sob story, another pathetic attempt at suicide. I guess when the brat realized it wasn't another fluke, he spazzed. I shouldn't be least bit surprised…damn, I can't get away from him and I'm so sick of it I feel like yanking the phone out of the wall!"

"Eiri, maybe you should change your phone number. This _could_ qualify as harassment." Tohma leaned back on the black leather sofa and gave him a look of profound concern.

"And have him think of some harebrained scheme, like breaking into my apartment? You don't know the brat like I do." Eiri stared momentarily at the phone, eyes flickering slightly before going dim and opaque. His index finger pressed lightly onto the "delete" button. _Beep._ Away went Shuichi. Away went over a year of his life.

"This will eventually turn out for the better." Tohma informed him gently, "It will be better for the both of you if—"

Eiri whirled on him, voice fierce but tinted with anguish, "—If Shuichi doesn't kill himself first!" He stood there looking helpless, hand twisted into his disorganized hair, "Dammit…this shouldn't…be so hard…this shouldn't…be…affecting me…"

Tohma felt himself rise, felt his hands shake and felt all the answers to Eiri's problems slip helplessly from his sweaty fingers. He couldn't be powerless, he just couldn't. Yuki needed him. Yuki…needed him. As Eiri suffered there, swearing softly under his breath, Tohma struggled to think of an action. Less carefully and thoughtfully then he should have, he moved closer to Yuki and hesitantly reached his hand toward him.

"Don't touch me!" Eiri pulled back violently, gasping for air as if he had been running, "I just shouldn't let anyone touch me, dammit! Whenever I open myself up, the people I allow to touch me stick, and they just won't come off." He seemed to be getting himself under control, and he didn't sound quite so frustrated and cornered. "They hold on to me and they won't leave me alone. Like _you."_ There was a brief pause in which Yuki turned from him as if in revulsion, "…It makes me sick."

Tohma flinched at the disgust and hatred that saturated Yuki's voice. There was a silence in which Yuki reached into his pocked, stuck a cigarette in his mouth, and flipped open his lighter. It seemed to calm him slightly, to give him a bit of relief. No matter how nicotine induced it was, at least he was able to think through the slight haze and consuming emotions that flowed wildly through him.

For a few seconds, Tohma watched the flame lick hungrily at its prey. "People aren't like clothes." He finally murmured, eyeing Eiri carefully, "They just aren't." He settled himself back onto the couch and folded his hands civilly in his lap, almost as if trying to contain himself. He almost seemed to resist and urge to reach out and hold Eiri in his arms. "Sometimes, people can be treated as clothes. You can use them until they get worn and faded, then discard them or give them to someone else to use and dump. But sometimes, people refuse to be thrown out when you are done with them. It may seem silly to you, Eiri, but they don't let go. Maybe, they can't let go." Tohma's voice was calm and tender, but he felt as if the overwhelming river rushing through him was being compressed into words that were only a small channel. He felt like the water would continue to build and build until it flooded over and destroyed everything in it's path, "You push them away, and they try to leave you alone, but, you know, it's like defying gravity, and they can't keep it going for long."

Yuki turned and stared at Tohma, eyes slightly out of focus, "Hell." He finally muttered, "Sometimes, you just can't shut up, can you?"

"No, sometimes I can't," Tohma agreed amiably. He watched as Eiri walked stiffly to the couch and allowed himself to sink slowly into the cushions.

Yuki leaned back and stared vaguely at the ceiling. At long last, he spoke, the tone in his voice detached and brooding, "Clothes are so much easier then people."

Tohma's eyes slid shut and his head drooped to his chest as if in exhaustion. Eiri lit up another cigarette and gazed reflectively at the slowly spinning fan suspended above him. Outside, a dog began to bark in great excitement.

_Tap, tap, tap…tap, tap, tap…_ Tohma thrummed his fingers absentmindedly on the coffee table, "What is it today?"

"Twenty-sixth."

"Mika's birthday is in four days."

"Yeah, great. So?" Yuki tossed his cigarette butt into a crystal ashtray on the coffee table in front of him.

"She's turning twenty-five. Do you think she would like a new car?"

"She has lots of cars, Tohma."

"True," Tohma sighed wistfully, "What are you getting her?"

Yuki snorted. "Nothing. She's been a bitch lately."

"I don't know what to get her. She usually just gets whatever she wants with my credit card anyway."

"Get her her own credit card," Yuki suggested, boredom with the conversation causing him to sink lower in his seat. He crossed his arms and again directed his gaze upwards.

"That's romantic," Tohma's voice was sugary, but Yuki could tell it was filled with sarcasm.

"Because you're such a romantic couple."

Tohma thought briefly, "I saw a commercial for diamond earrings. Mika doesn't have many of those. At least, she doesn't seem to wear them very often."

"She hates diamonds."

"Oh," Tohma frowned, then gave an embarrassed laugh, "Oops. That explains a lot."

Yuki made a grumbling noise and shrugged his shoulders slightly.

"I'll get her a dress," Tohma concluded, almost to himself.

"She hates your fashion sense."

"I know that. I'll take a look at some of those designer magazines that always show up in the mail. If she doesn't like it, she can send it back. Maybe I can find something that matches my gray suit with the green feather boas."

"Suit yourself. It doesn't really matter."

"I suppose not. I just wanted to get her something nice."

"Get it then." Yuki stood up and dragged his slippered feet over to the window, then gazed out on the activities taking place below, "Well? He said finally, "Happy now?"

Tohma's head jerked upward and he stared at Eiri with an uncertain look in his eyes, "Hmm?"

"I talked to you. I listened to your problems. It was a cheap present. But now, your time is up. Go away."

Tohma's hands dug into the leather upholstered seating, and his eyes widened with surprise, "I—"

"Well, what's your problem? Go." Yuki continued to stare out the window, "I want to be alone."

Tohma stood up but did not head back to the door, "Are you alright? Eiri, please tell me what's wrong? Did I do anything?" Cautiously, he moved closer.

"Leave me alone!" Eiri whirled on him viciously, "Stop mothering me! I can take care of myself!"

"Eiri—I just want you to be happy!" Tohma begged, "I want you to be okay, I want everything to turn out alright, I want—"

"Well screw what you want! Nothing is going to turn into anything. I'm stuck like this and there is nothing you can do about it!"

"That's not true, Eiri! You don't have to stay like this! You can get everything back again! You can feel again, you can stop this ice charade!"

"Shut up!" Yuki yelled in agony, "Shut up and leave! This is what I get when I'm nice to you!"

"I don't want to leave you alone," Tohma told him, breathing heavily but speaking quietly, "I don't want to leave you…to suffer…alone."

"Fuck," Eiri growled, a single tear quivering on his bottom eyelid, "Why can't you just fuck off and get on with your own life?"

"You know why. You know I love you." Tohma felt tears burst from his eyes, felt them run down his cheeks and become impeded by his mouth.

"If I was nice to everyone who loved me, I'd have fifty teenage girls in my bed at once!" Yuki turned from him and crossed his arms over his chest protectively, almost as if he was trying not to listen to what Tohma was saying.

"That's not love," Tohma whispered, hand reaching up to cover his tear streaked face, "That's not the same! If you were okay, if you were well, you would be able to recognize that!"

"But you want the same thing. You ultimately want the same thing." Eiri turned around and walked menacingly towards Tohma. Once he reached him, he carefully grasped Tohma's arm and moved it away from his face, "Give me what I want, and I'll give you what you want."

Tohma gazed up at Yuki, not daring to hope, not daring to dream what was happening was real. He must be mistaking what was going on, he must not be correctly interpreting how Eiri's fingers caressed his arm adoringly. Everything felt blurred and unreal; he couldn't think straight. He felt like he was watching television but the signal kept on going out. All he could think about was how Eiri's body was pressing against his, how Eiri's hands were caressing his. He finally managed to ask breathlessly, "What…do you mean?"

"You want me." Eiri leaned forward tenderly and let his lips meet Tohma's. Yuki's hand reached back behind Tohma's head and cradled it gently, "I need someone to fuck. It fits, doesn't it?"

Tohma didn't argue. Somehow, however twisted it was, it did make sense. Hands knitted themselves into Tohma's hair, fingers crawled up his shoulders. Tohma could feel Eiri's breathing quicken in his face, then feel the heat of Eiri's breath inside his ear, then in his hair. Oh, how he had longed for this. Oh, how he had lain in bed next to Mika and had stared up at the ceiling, wishing to whatever devilish force that was out there that he could feel Eiri's body pressing close to his one more time. Just one more time. Halfway unconscious of his own actions, Tohma pressed his mouth against Yuki's and allowed Eiri's tongue to slide into his mouth.

Tohma closed his eyes and wished he could freeze time. He wished he was in his house, and Eiri was living with him. He wished Mika didn't exist, and at the thought of Mika the black widow spider that spun his guilt began to spin a web that interlaced with his desire. Even as his guilt crawled and slithered within him, Eiri's hands pushed themselves underneath Tohma's shirt and snuck seductively up his chest. Tohma gasped and felt his body tingle even as Eiri removed his tongue from his mouth.

"You still get turned on when I do that?" He asked teasingly, sliding his hands back down and out of Tohma's shirt, "I know you too well." Smirking slightly, he grasped Tohma's shirt with one hand and began to breathe down Tohma's neck.

Tohma felt his hands clutch Eiri's shirt, felt his breathing grow fast and quick as Eiri's hands slipped under Tohma's shirt once again, "Eiri…Eiri…thank you…" he whispered, "You know…I love you…"

"Shut up," Yuki hissed as he began to unbutton Tohma's shirt, "I'm not doing this for you."

Tohma felt burning tears slip almost painfully down his face, "I know…but...thank you…anyway…Eiri…"

Eiri only grunted in response and pressed his lips back onto Tohma's halfparted ones, almost as if to stop him from thanking him again.


	4. Chapter Four

**Hi everyone! I just wanted to say that this story is set at the time when Tohma has Eiri break up with Shuichi.** I guess I kinda failed to mention that! Oops! I had a really hard time writing the last part of this chapter. Most of the time I can see myself doing everything Tohma does in this story if I was in the same situation, but I just can't see myself doing anything he was doing in that part. He got real evil, and I really hope it sounds ok because I had to break that vibe you get when you write about a character who is alot like you! Other then that, I'm ok with this chapter. It's not the best, but I like it alright! I hope you enjoy it!

**Chapter Four**

Tohma gazed on Eiri's innocently resting body with an odd mixture of deep affection and tugging attachment. He stood there, dressed in last nights clothes, hair slightly disheveled. What had happened between them still hadn't quite registered, but what had did not make him happy. Tohma had dreamed before that "just one more time and I'll be content" but the time had ended and he wanted it back again. The sweet butterfly had fled from his cradling clasp before he had fully noticed it was there.

He reached out his hand and let his fingers run lightly over Eiri's placid face. The alarm was about to ring, and as Tohma examined the deep circles under Eiri's eyes, he reached semi-automatically for the alarm clock to turn it off. _It's a blessing for both of us,_ Tohma convinced himself selfishly, _Eiri needs his sleep. I need him to sleep. Oh Eiri…please keep on sleeping…please keep up the beautiful illusion…please Eiri…do me one last favor…just a little while longer…_ He wanted Eiri to stay sleeping there, endearingly resting on his stomach just as he had so many years ago. Tohma wanted to fool himself; he wanted to play house. He would make Eiri's coffee, and when Eiri came into the kitchen, he would allow Tohma to kiss him lovingly on the cheek. An impulsive wish to be brainless came over him. He wished he had the memory of a goldfish so he could forget all the horrible mistakes of the past; he wished he was standing at Eiri's bedside forever, locked in a beautiful dream. So many wishes…so many stupid wishes that could never come true. Tohma sighed regretfully and gave in to his simple desire for more time, tapping off the alarm clock and placing it carefully back on the bedside table. He could stand here and gaze upon Eiri just a few minutes longer. It was ok. It really was. At least a tiny drop from the overflowing sea of wishes could have its needs met.

Kneeling on the floor, Tohma placed his head on Yuki's back and snuck his arm around the beloved, slumbering form. He breathed in time with Eiri and closed his eyes. Fingers stroked back and forth, back and forth. Eiri was safe here, cradled in his arms. Yuki was protected, nothing would ever harm him in this place. But…why? Why was it he could protect Eiri's body so well and still not be able to keep him from emotional damage? Was he simply an inadequate guardian? At every turn Tohma would intervene and try to keep Eiri safe from the pitiless world, but every time he destroyed his beloved even further. _Eiri…you've become so twisted…is it my fault? I…took you to New York…it was all my fault Yuki hurt you. I…I was just trying to make you happy. And now I blundered again. Now you're hurting because Shuichi is gone, but with him here you were endangering your life. Am I simply selfish? I wanted you to be ok…I wanted it so badly that my chest felt like it would split open. But if it did that, all my horrible secrets would come tumbling out for everyone to see. For _you_ to see. And when that happened, you would hate me. You would hate me, truly abhor me, and I wouldn't be able to pull myself up and smile anymore._ Tohma nuzzled his face in Eiri's hair and breathed into its sweetness. He let his hands play in Eiri's locks, let himself block all the horrible thoughts from his mind and just concentrate solely on Eiri. Just Eiri.

Yuki's blonde head moved and Eiri blinked groggily. "Uhh…" he moaned, reaching up to see what was happening to his hair. Making a small exclamation of protest, he pushed himself upwards into a sitting position.

"Good morning!" Tohma smiled at him cheerily. "I'm so happy you're up so we can spend time together!"

"What they hell were you doing breathing on me and touching me, you creepy bastard!" Eiri growled angerly, "Get off my floor and stop you're damn smiling, because I'm _not_ happy to see you!"

Tohma knew it was coming, but it still sliced into him like a knife. He knew what they had done would mean nothing to Eiri, but he couldn't help his heart from crunching painfully inside of him. "Did you sleep well?"

"What the hell do you think? Does it _look_ like I slept well? Do I _sound_ like I slept well?" Eiri tossed off his covers and stepped over Tohma, allowing his foot to swipe Tohma's face as he passed.

"I made coffee!" Tohma informed him pleasantly, hopping up and following Eiri with a fake bounce to his step. Hand reaching up to touch Eiri's shoulder, he giggled and touched his nose to Eiri's face. "It's on the table, with splenda sugar in it."

Eiri turned and glanced at Tohma, then carefully removed Tohma's other hand as it roved over his chest. He muttered grudgingly, "Great. Thanks."

Tohma followed Yuki into the kitchen, chest nearly exploding with a new, confusing mix of pain and great joy. Eiri had thanked him! Eiri appreciated his coffee!

Eiri sat himself down in his usual chair and watched indifferently as Tohma hurried to join him. He picked up the cup, peered into it, and drank grudgingly. "Where's breakfast?"

"I'll make something now." Tohma stood up headed over to the refrigerator.

"What the hell? You always used to make breakfast. What a ripoff. I try to make your little butt happy and all you make is coffee? How lame. You could at least try to—"

The doorbell rang and Tohma glanced at Eiri questioningly. "Should I go get that?"

Eiri sighed. "No. Don't bother."

"Who would be here so early?" Tohmagave Eiri a quizical look and pulled some cooking instruments from the top cupboard.

"Some girl whose legs I was going to try to get between. But since I had you to fuck, I don't need her anymore. You should realize, though, nothing has changed between us. I better make this as clear as I possibly can so you can get your thick head around it. Last night, I figured you would just let me get on top of you, and you did. Hey, it was cheaper and easier then taking the bitch at the door out to some stupid romantic restaurant and getting her all worked up. Just stick my hands up your shirt a few times and kiss you, and there. Free fun. But now you can go away, because you're annoying me. I didn't figure in how you always sneak around and creep me out. Thanks, you were a nice whore, but you can go now. Go on, get out. Out!"

Tohma's hands clenched and froze on the bowl he was holding. A panicked horror rose to terrifying levels inside his chest and flooded his entire body. _Clink._ The bowl clunked loudly on the counter, then a silence settled itself awkwardly over the two men. Finally, Tohma spoke, voice shaky like he was in actual physical pain. "Is that what I am to you? You told me once…you told me…I was special. I was special." Tohma's hands clenched into fists on the table and his head slumped downwards. "Special. Eiri…if I'm special, why do you hate me so much? Why do you use me?"

"Because you're stupid. You let yourself be used, hell, you let me walk all over you. Sometimes, I think you have an odd fetish." Eiri snorted and pulled out his box of cigarettes.

Tohma shivered. "It's not like that. I let you…because I love you. I want you to have whatever you want. I want you to be contented with your life. I want—"

"That's a load of crap," Eiri told him flatly, sticking a cigarette in his mouth and lighting it up. "You let me because you're pathetic and you need me."

"You don't understand!" Tohma sounded almost hysterical, "I-I…I don't know, maybe your right, but whatever the reason you don't have to…you don't have to…be…so cruel like you are…why…why doesn't your smile shine when you're with me anymore? I used to think it was because your real smile was gone: I used to think I killed it by taking you to New York." Tohma clutched his shirt near his chest and his shoulders shook violently. "I think I caused your suffering. But Shuichi brought your smile back. It wasn't fair. I tried for years to bring you back, but I couldn't do a thing. And then he shows up, with no idea what you had gone through, stupid as anything, and he makes you smile that smile again. I was pleased you where happy, but…"

Eiri interceded. "You were jealous; you were a jealous little bitch. You screwed things around because you were bitter over crap that happened years ago."

"Fine, yes!" Tohma whirled around and faced Eiri, hands shaking and held in a half-questioning gesture like he couldn't think of what to do with them. Droplets of saltwater crawled down his face. All his secrets were pouring so freely from Eiri's mouth…all of the things Tohma shoved deep into the back chambers of his heart and refused to think about. His defenses crumbled around Eiri: his smile transformed into a sob and his aloof coldness turned into hot-headed obsession. _Please stop, Eiri…please…stop hurting me…stop it Eiri…please stop…_ "Yes, I was jealous, how could I not be jealous? In case you didn't notice, I _do_ feel! But I didn't act on it! I didn't act on it and I let you two be together because I wanted you, Eiri, to be happy. I wanted you to be happy! No, I wanted you to be so ecstatic that you could watch the world die and laugh. But then…Taki hurt Shuichi, and that…that hurt you. If Shuichi hadn't been hurt, all those horrible memories wouldn't have come back. You were also loosing weight, you're started taking pills. Then, all that blood started pouring from your mouth and you ended up in the hospital. I panicked." _And my guilty thoughts against Shuichi crept back into me, and they took over. I allowed myself to think I was doing everything for you, Eiri. And part of me was. Part of me was sincere and well meaning, but not all of it. How could all of me have been so…perfect, when I wanted you so badly? _"All…all my…my…oh Eiri, I don't want to tell you this…"

"Well then don't. Like I give a shit. You know you can't compare to him, you know I could care less, but you just can't shut up, can you?"

"To Yuki? I can't compare to him?" The raging sea inside of Tohma flooded tinted black water into his soul. Hatred clutched his chest and tried to squeeze the life out of him. "Why, Eiri? Why? He used you and raped you! He _hurt_ you and he…" Tohma voice trailed off at the strange look on Eiri's face.

Eiri gazed vacantly into his coffee mug, and Tohma watched, helpless, as one of Eiri's shaking hands moved up to cover his face. Tohma hurried to Eiri's side, hands gently caressing his head and his shoulders. "Please don't cry, Eiri…please don't…please…I'm sorry!"

The novelist grunted, then pushed the roving fingers off of him. "I-I don't see…why you have such a problem understanding. I wish you would leave me the fuck alone, and I make it clear. I kick you in face emotionally yet you show up every week with that stupid grin on your face, even while Mika is waiting for you at home. She's happy to see you, she wants to be with you, and you still come here, pleased to see me. So, even though he hurt me, I-I can't keep from thinking about him. Even though…Shuichi…Shu…he made me feel…I…I don't know. He made me feel something. Even with him, I couldn't stop…but…I guess…sometimes…with him…I forgot…a little…"

"I see," Tohma whispered, removing Eiri's hand from his face and trying to clear away Eiri's water-filled eyes with his thumbs. Jealousy consumed him, almost so much he couldn't bear it, yet at the same time he couldn't leave Eiri feeling this hopeless and lost. Soon jealousy competed fiercely with a desire to see Eiri smile, really smile, again. "I…see. Eiri, I don't know what to do. How can I make you…how can I make both of us happy?"

His beloved sighed and shook his head. "You're thinking too optimistically. I…don't know if it's even possible for me to be truly happy again… Hell, I don't even really remember what it feels like to laugh."

"…I miss when you would run down the streets in New York with me…laughing. I think it's my fault. It's my fault your like this. If I hadn't taken you to there, we would have never run down those streets together…but…you could have saved that laugh for now. For…for him." Tohma couldn't look into Eiri's eyes, afraid of how those angry crystals would gaze into his jealous, black soul.

"Sometimes, I don't understand you or the crap that spills out of your mouth. You made me break up with the little brat, and now you're sorry he can't see me laugh? What the hell is your problem?"

Tohma exhaled raggedly and couldn't help his body from shaking. Inside a ferocious battle roared on the plains of his heart and mind. "Right now, I don't understand what's going on with me myself."

"Well that's just special. Maybe you're just too weird for anyone to truly comprehend." Eiri heaved a sigh and gave Tohma an extremely aggravated glance. "Didn't I tell you to leave awhile ago? Hey, you didn't even make breakfast. I guess you were to busy putting your hands all over me."

Tohma flinched. "I…guess I'll go, then…"

"That's right. I told you to go, so go. Well, what are you waiting for? Go!"

Tohma smiled wanly at him. "Eiri, please try to take it easy."

Eiri's eyes scanned Tohma's red eyes and tearstained face. He stared into his cold coffee for a minute, lost in thought. Finally, he looked back up at the morose figure before him and said simply, "I'll try."

* * *

Tohma looked pleasantly on Shuichi Shindo as he stood enraged before him and smiled. Twiddling his pen around in his right hand, Tohma leaned back in his desk chair and widened his grin. "I don't understand what you're so mad about. All I did was request you start off on your little tour earlier then planned." Tohma spread his hands outward in a friendly, compromising gesture. In the background, Mr. Sakano danced nervously between his two feet.

"You're trying to keep me from seeing Yuki, you bastard! You think that if I go away for a bit, I'll forget about him!" Shuichi flailed his arms violently in Tohma's direction, tears flooding down his face. " Well your wrong! I'll love Eiri tell the day I die! I hate you! I _hate_ you! Keep you creepy hands off _my_ Yuki!" About to throw himself upon his president, Shindo was suddenly impeded by Mr. Sakano latching onto his waist and pulling desperately backwards.

"Oh, poor Shindo-san, I'm sorry, but I think you have the wrong impression. Eiri is mine now. Very much mine. Do you want me to tell you a little secret?" Tohma felt his anger pouring from him, felt himself lash out in frustration and throbbing pain into Shindo's tender heart. The boy before him had stolen Eiri from him. Stolen him! _"He made me feel something." "I forgot…a little."_ Tohma clenched the pen as envy beat wildly inside of him. Still, a small piece of him protested this cruelty, protested against the destruction of the person who had begun to cure Eiri's frozen heart. _He hurt Eiri…he made Eiri end up in the hospital. It's best to send him away before I find Eiri…I find him…before Eiri ends up hurt all over again._ Tohma forced himself to believe he was doing this for Eiri, for nobody but Eiri.

Shindo glowered at Tohma, breathing slightly heavy. When he didn't say anything, Tohma continued in a detached tone. "He slept with me, you know. Last night." The look on Shindo's face, the look of someone who had just been stabbed in the heart, made a strange type of pleasure rise wickedly inside of Tohma. He needed to continue. He needed to see the boy's reaction, to revel in his pain. "In fact, he made the first move. I'm sure I made him harder then you ever could. I'm sorry Shindo-san, I just don't think he needs to have you causing him such stress and worry, when he could have a more…stable…lover." Tohma smiled a real, ecstatic smile as Shindo collapsed onto the floor, crying hysterically. "He could end up in the hospital again, and his delicate condition really couldn't stand that. I believe he needs someone who knows him better, who understands what he's going through. Someone like…me."

Shindo sobbed brokenly, pounding his fists onto Tohma's expensive carpet. "I…hate you…I _hate _you!" The singers voice cracked furiously, and he screamed his last and final retort._ "Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you, Tohma Seguchi!"_

Tohma smiled at Shindo as he pretended to beat Tohma's brains into the carpet. He smiled as Mr. Sakano struggled to drag him out, and he continued to smile as the door was shut and he was left to smile alone.


	5. Chapter Five

Chapter five is here, and I have an important announcement. I think Tohma has been crying way too much, so for the next two chapters, he will be tear free! Amazing! But after that, he's going to cry again. But it fits. It really does guys. I hope you like this, this chapter is more TohmaxMika then anything, but they arn't really a couple. They are just married. That sounds really odd, I know, but it's kinda true. Hope you enjoy it!

**Thanks so much to everyone who is reviewing, you really make my day when reviews pop up. It makes me happy, and it also encourages me to write faster. Thanks so much, without you, this story wouldn't be possible!**

**Chapter Five**

The sun blinded Tohma's eyes as he drove home from work several hours early. Tohma glanced at Mika's bright birthday package and considered making a sharp turn and heading back towards the safety of his office refuge for just a few more hours. She wouldn't be expecting him, he reasoned desperately, she wouldn't know he had anything special planned. He could just lay it on the table and she would find it the next morning. A nice surprise. Yeah, right. How would Mika feel if her husband didn't come home to see her on her birthday? _What if she is waiting for me?_ Tohma thought in horror, mind not focused on the road before him, _What if she is sitting at the table, waiting for me? What am I supposed to say? "Hi honey, I love you so much. Look, I got you a present!" "You look lovely tonight, just as beautiful as on our wedding night."_ A load of crap. What if she could see though him? What if she knew? Tohma felt his skin crawl at the thought, felt guilt creep from his chest and infect his entire body with a fearful tingling sensation. _Please Mika…go along with our great lie. We are a happy married couple. Everything is alright. Everything is perfect. Let's pose for our own personal cameras. It's better this way, isn't it? It's better. It's better. But it isn't just for us._ Sometimes, Tohma despised being famous. Smile now, the world is watching you.

_Slam._ Tohma gasped as his SUV skidded harshly to a stop two seconds before impact with the car before him. A red light. Staring vaguely at the car he almost hit, he only distantly heard the sound of angry honking. Hell, he was almost there. Hell. _Stop honking,_ Tohma thought irritably, _shut up, I get it._ Oh, the light had changed! Wearily, Tohma pressed the gas and tried to organize his frayed thoughts.

Standing for about a minute at the door, Tohma gathered up his courage to take on whatever would happen beyond. The multicolored present mocked him with its ironically happy appearance. Time to copy the box. Sweaty hand turning the doorknob slowly, he pulled his hand back and was forced to try the simple procedure over again. Before he was ready, the door swung open with a swift, frustrated air.

Mika leaned on the door paneling, the intense glare in her reddened eyes silencing Tohma's feeble greeting. "Tohma, did you do it?"

"W-what?" Tohma stuttered, weak smile crumbling. Terror ignited inside of him. "Do what?"

"You know. Your voice gives you away. Shuichi Shindo just had a breakdown at Nakano's house because of you. I'm asking you, did you do it? Did you sleep with Eiri, or were you just torturing the boy for the mere thrill of it? Dammit, Tohma, don't drop that. Give it here. Here, it's mine, right?" She snatched the package from Tohma's useless, sliding fingers and threw it onto the table in their opening hall.

"M-Mika-I…" Tohma trailed off and stared helplessly at Mika's blue slippers. He hadn't known she had blue slippers.

"Shut up for now and come inside. You're stammering like an idiot. Come on, Tohma, do you want me to get even more pissed at you?"

Tohma obeyed his wife numbly. She gestured toward the kitchen and he followed her aggravated movements, then sunk into his usual chair. The newspaper he had been reading that morning was still lying where he had left it. He was trying not to think, and it was working pretty well. Blankly, he stared the rich wood table.

A forced, tearless glower on her face, Maka shoved an automatic macaroni dinner under his nose and then dropped it. "Eat," she commanded, sticking chopsticks into the lukewarm mess. "Are you thirsty?"

Tohma realized to his slight surprise he had become parched. Timidly, he whispered, "Yes."

Tap water rushed from the facet as Mika jerked the handle of the sink harshly upwards. _Clink._ Mika dropped a brown mug by Tohma, whose eyes automatically read the words "1994 New Year's Festival! Tokyo's Pride!"

"You haven't been knocked out, Tohma. You said you were thirsty. If you're thirsty, drink. Dammit, Tohma! Drink!" Mika took the seat opposite to him, eyes boring into her husband's huddled figure.

Tohma couldn't look meet her eyes as he reached out a limp hand and moved the mug to his lips. There was a pregnant silence while Tohma picked at his food halfheartedly. It wasn't the best.

"I didn't have a good birthday," Mika informed him unnecessarily, "In fact, it was pretty shitty." She sighed and cradled her head on her long fingers. "I have a headache and there aren't any more aspirins."

"There are…more in the bottom bathroom cupboard…" Tohma said almost shyly.

"They aren't extra strength. I can't take normal strength anymore. They don't do crap."

"Oh," Tohma whispered apologetically. He chanced a look at her harried face and quickly looked back at his food.

"My day started out normal. I went to the store with Kishika. I bought some new outfits. It was pretty fun, if I didn't think about how I always did that anyway. Then, Hiroshi Nakano called me. I'm not sure if I'm glad that I gave Shuichi my cell phone. I didn't know that Nakano guy was so overprotective and pushy. He practically ordered me to talk to you, as if I wouldn't say anything after he told me you were sleeping with my brother."

She paused as if to let Tohma get a word in edgewise, but when he didn't take his opportunity she continued unabated. "Well, after I resisted throwing some ugly heels at the saleslady, I drove home. I'm pretty pissed at you. I let you go see Eiri, I even encourage him to talk to you and let you in when you show up there all the time. It pisses me off when you won't even come home for dinner and I still sit here like an idiot waiting for you. Most of the time I don't where the crap you are. I wait and I wait but sometimes you don't come home until one in the morning." Mika was frustrated, and exhaustion and sorrow saturated her voice. "…Tohma, why? Why did you do it?" Mika suddenly became intense, fingers stiffly pressing hard on the familiar wood.

Tohma didn't answer for a long time; he couldn't count the minutes as they ticked painfully past. Somehow, the way Mika coolly handled herself made the whole situation drastically worse. "I…" he said finally, words sticking painfully in his throat, "I…I wanted…I wanted to…but then I…thought and…" He risked a glance at Mika's frowning features and quickly realized that was not going to cut it. "I…" he muttered quickly, to assure her he was trying again. "…I…I wished I had him back again…him…the old Eiri…and I…wanted to pretend…he was there…" Tohma could no longer force food into his mouth, and the chopsticks clacked hollowly on the table. "…and I…still love him…and when he started to kiss me…I couldn't help myself…even though I knew he was using me…" Tohma shook his head as the ache inside of him burst and sparked until he felt faint. His heart pounded painfully and he felt himself begin to shake. Pushing his chair backwards, he hid his head under his hands. "But…if it helps…I thought of you…before...it…"

"He might never come back, Tohma." Mika whispered, voice tinged with something resembling pity.

"I…" Tohma gasped, "I…know…and it's my fault…it's my fault…" Entire body shaking heavily, he curled his hands into fists and tried to control himself.

"Oh Tohma, it's not, it's not your fault!" Mika stood up with force and a fierce passion entered her voice. "It's not your fault."

"It is!" Tohma insisted fervently, "It is all my fault. Everything I do is wrong; every time I try to help him he falls further away. It's my fault. It's all my fault!"

"Tohma, calm down!" Mika commanded, "Calm down, Tohma!"

"He's hurting and I can't help him, Mika. He's in pain and I caused it all. If Shindo hurts himself Eiri won't ever smile again. I know he won't: I know it, and I did it anyway. I hurt Shindo anyway! I'm so jealous," Tohma moaned powerlessly, "I'm so jealous that I think I hate him. But if I want the old Eiri back again, why am I angry at Shindo? Is it because Shindo made Eiri ill? No, no it's not. It's not. It's because I want the old Eiri back, but I want him back with me, Mika. I…don't want to watch…him…leave me…completely …Eiri…I'm sorry!"

"Calm down!" Mika's voice held a tone of authority and compassion. "Tohma, you didn't do anything, and even if you did there's nothing you can do about it right now. You might as well just calm down and listen to me. I'm not done."

Ashamed by his outburst, Tohma managed to stop his shaking and sat up as self-controlled as he could manage. "Sorry." He told her with agonizing embarrassment.

"It's ok." Mika heaved a heavy sigh and returned to her seat. "Do you ever think about me at work, up late doing whatever you do there?"

"Yes," Tohma whispered, "a lot."

"Well, that's nice to know. I think about you too," her voice was slightly husky and her fingers traced the patterns on the table regretfully. "Please come home earlier sometimes. It's lonely here alone."

Tohma's guilt was becoming unbearable. A terrible feeling of being soiled and filthy made him feel like washing out his heart, or maybe getting a new one. Odd thoughts of heart surgery fluttered randomly through his brain. Maybe if he washed himself enough times he could cleanse himself from every hideous thing he had ever done. "Ok," he agreed, unable to say anything else and hoping he could stick with his word.

Mika crossed her arms and pushed her chair up on it's back legs, seeming to be thinking very hard about something. "I'll accept it if you still go see him," she said finally, great strain in her voice, "I…know what it's like to never be with the person you love. But don't do what you've been doing with him anymore. And I…don't know if I'm going to be able to forgive you for awhile. But, I promise I'll try."

"I…won't...do anything with him that would hurt you anymore." For a moment, Tohma's grateful eyes met hers.

There was an uncharacteristic silence from the other end of the table. Mika seemed to be almost hesitant, almost afraid of something. Finally, she spoke strongly and forcefully, and Tohma could tell she had been rehearsing. "Tohma, I want you to look at me. Look at me, Tohma! _Look at me!"_

Tohma forced his eyes to stare into Mika's, like he was making himself look into the direct light of the sun. Her intense stare caused fear to mix with the horrible shame that weighted his heart.

"…Tohma, I'm…pregnant."

Time froze for Tohma as he felt himself stiffen automatically. What? No. No, that was impossible. Simply impossible. This couldn't be happening. He couldn't have a baby! Trying to function intelligently, he managed a weak "How?"

"You were pretty drunk." Mika told him almost tonelessly, "It was that time Eiri punched you and left you out on the middle of the highway. I…don't know if you remember…much…"

"You…said you took pills," Tohma told her rationally, mind attempting to refute everything she was saying. "You told me you took pills."

"I lied."

It was Tohma's turn to let betrayal slice into him, let almost physical pain raze his chest. "Y-you know I don't want a baby! I can't have a child, Mika. I can't…I can't…"

"I couldn't help myself!" Mika threw his own words back at him harshly, slight trembling affecting her voice. "Nobody loves me. You never come home. I'm lonely. I want somebody to love me! I want somebody to love me, Tohma. Is that too much to ask? Is it too much? Is it!"

Tohma couldn't listen to her properly, his own thoughts racing frantically and unorganized through his mind. "It's going to hate me! It's going to hate me… Please get rid of it! You know it will hate me, Mika! How could you…how…" Tohma crumpled in his chair and couldn't listen at his wife's fervent accusations anymore. _No…_

"I'm sorry…" Mika whispered, "I'm sorry, Tohma, I love you, but it's mine, and I'm keeping it. The rest is your decision. _You_ can decide whether you want to be its father, or not. And how about this. Let's make a deal. I'll forgive you, and you'll forgive me."

Tohma heard Mika heading towards him, felt sympathetic fingers playing affectionately with his hair. Mika let out a sigh and told him calmly, "I'm going to bed early. You can come up if you want."

Mika's slippers made light clunking sounds as they went up the stairs. Then, they were gone, and the kitchen was strangely silent. Tohma was still in shock, and though he wished that he could leave this nightmare behind, he knew in his heart he couldn't.


	6. Chapter Six

Oh my God! I'm so glad this stupid chapter is done! It was so hard! I really hope you like it, because I worked my butt off writing it. I don't know why it was hard, but it was. You can tell I was stuck for a long time on it, lol, because of the lack of updates.

**Chapter Six**

Tohma forced himself to smile charmingly into the TV camera even while his entire body ached madly. Reflected in the camera was a respectable president dressed in a fashionable business suit and a striped bowler hat. N-G's great tower rose dramatically behind him, and he noticed a small crowd gathering curiously around the reporters. _Just let me get to my car,_ he protested inwardly, _I didn't even know about this until this morning myself. _"Yes, we are all very shocked. This trip to America was quite unexpected. I wouldn't want the public to worry though. Shuichi Shindo is perfectly safe. Why Mr. Shindo felt a need to travel to America at this time is something I cannot disclose at the moment. Thank you for your concern, but Mr. Shindo is fine."

"Did you plan to send Mr. Shindo to America? Is this a marketing stunt by N-G productions?" An aging female reporter had forced herself to the front of the pack and was now sticking her microphone directly into Tohma's face.

"No, I believe Mr. Shindo did this on his manager's volition. His manager is a competent man, and an American. He knows about the music industry in America, and I'm sure he thought he was doing the best thing for Bad Luck's vocalist. I'm sorry, I understand your eagerness: I too am worried about Mr. Shindo. However, I really must get to my car; I am a very busy man. I offer you good day." Pushing himself through the reporters, he quickly headed towards his car and finally escaped the mob as he stepped inside.

The highway rolled vaguely past him as confusing emotions fluttered like bats inside the cave of his heart. Shindo was gone. Maybe now, Eiri would be able to recover. Maybe now, he would be able to get on with his life. Maybe. What if he was wrong, though? What if everything he had been doing was wrong, and Eiri was going to be hurt all over again? What if…God forbid…Eiri needed Shindo. _No,_ he told himself hurriedly, _don't be silly. He'll be able to get over him. He'll be fine._ But isn't that what he had said before, years ago when Eiri was struggling with his memories of Yuki? Tohma had assumed Eiri's emotions worked like his own, had assumed that Eiri's would realize that to protect himself against rape was self defense, not murder. But he hadn't, and now, it seemed too late for anything to help. And it was Tohma's fault. _It's all your fault. _For years, Tohma's self-accusations had clung like spider webs to his brain, and though he sometimes pushed them into the back of his mind, they never went away._ If you would have never taken him to America. If you would have discovered he was being molested before it happened. If you would have just realized he was in so much pain. _If. If. If!Tohma couldn't bear the "if"s any longer; he couldn't bear to let anything be his fault again. Tohma always told himself he should deal with his problems. People who didn't help themselves were weak; people who didn't stay in the present were pathetic. _And so are you,_ he accused himself, _and so are you._

He had better call before he came. Flipping on his phone, he pressed "one" and autodialed. _Ring…ring…ring…_ No answer. Then, the familiar, concise: "This is Eiri Yuki. Leave a message."

"Eiri, I'm coming over. I have some news. See you soon."

When Tohma crept in, an ashen-faced Eiri was sprawled on his couch with an icepack balanced on his forehead. The entire room smelled faintly of beer. Eiri's eyes creaked open, causing the icepack to wobble precariously. "Hey," he mumbled.

"Eiri!" Tohma exclaimed, quickening his pace and kneeling hurriedly before his self-designated charge. "Eiri, are you alright?"

"I'm fine." Eiri's voice was a controlled growl. "Can you get me a cigarette?"

"Where are they?"

"I don't know. I think somewhere in my office." Eiri reached up, grabbed the melting icepack and shoved it into Tohma's hands. "Put this in the freezer, will you? Thanks." Rolling over, he crossed his arms tightly and gazed at the wall.

Tohma rushed to obey, and five minutes later he was back at Eiri's side with the lighted cigarette. "You should quit," he told Eiri while he handed it to him, "It's bad for you."

Eiri grunted in reply and inhaled the heavy fumes with a shaky relief.

"How did you get ill?" Tohma asked worriedly, "Did you check with your doctor? Are you taking any medication?"

"I'm just sick. Breathe." Eiri positioned himself so he was facing the ceiling. "Go sit down."

Tohma put his hand to Eiri's forehead, and his eyes widened in concern. "Did you check your temperature?"

"No."

"Eiri, you should check our temperature when your head gets this hot! Where is your thermometer!" Tohma stood up swiftly and headed off towards the bathroom. "No problem. I'll find it."

"Don't bother." Eiri made a halfhearted, slightly slurred protest, then drifted off. Oh well. Whatever.

"Eiri, your thermometer's broke." Tohma exclaimed as he headed back to Eiri's side.

"I know, idiot. Shuichi broke it." Eiri reached his hand out towards the useless, cracked instrument. "Give it to me."

"This is silly. I'm going to throw it out. I'll bring you a new one tomorrow."

"Hey!" Eiri protested, "Quit screwing with my stuff!"

"You can afford a new thermometer, Eiri. It's not that difficult to get a one."

An angry frown carved on his face, Eiri rescued his precious possession. He gave Tohma a glare as he shoved it into his pocket. "Fuck off, I'll get one myself."

"Well then why not get rid of the old one?"

Irritated, Eiri pushed himself into a sitting position. "Because it belonged to Shuichi!"

There was a stunned silence. Tohma could feel and hear his heart beating hollowly in his chest. Suddenly realizing what he had just said, Eiri made a frustrated sound in his throat and flopped back down onto the couch.

"…Oh." Tohma finally whispered, "Oh."

"Forget it. Whatever. It's not that important. Here, take it. Throw it out." Yuki

shoved his hand into his pocket and held out the thermometer to Tohma like it was some kind of cheap gift.

Tohma hesitated, then pushed Eiri's hand gently away. "No. Keep it. Is there anything else I can get for you?"

"Did I ask for anything else?" Eiri snapped while his hand closed tightly around the broken object.

"No," Tohma said in an ashamed voice.

"Yeah. How about you go sit down or something?"

Tohma followed Eiri's vague instructions by positioning himself on the couch as best he could without affecting Eiri. Almost hesitant, he stroked Eiri lovingly on the chest. "Do you know why you're sick? Are your symptoms coming back?"_ Mika…_ Tohma's fingers pulled back from Eiri and fell uselessly to his lap.

"I'm fine. Don't get worked up. Now, what's the news?"

"Oh!" Tohma exclaimed. Then, a hesitant look spread over his features. Would it be worse for Eiri if he told him now, or later?

"Well?" Eiri asked impatiently, "Well? You seemed anxious to tell me on the phone."

Tohma sighed and played with the fluffy frills on his sleeves. Eiri smelled of beer, but he seemed pretty stable. He had probably just had a few drinks. He would be alright. "Shindo…he's gone. He went to America."

"I know. It was on the news. Did you really have nothing to do with it?"

"Nothing. But you know I would have supported it if I would have known."

Eiri sighed. "Of course."

"Of course." Tohma agreed mildly.

"…Seguchi? What time is it?"

Tohma examined his watch. "6:30. Why?"

"No reason." Eiri's right hand tossed his cigarette stub into the coffee table's ash tray.

Silence. More silence. Tohma gazed at his now neatly folded fingers. "Mika…she's…pregnant."

"What?" Eiri snapped disbelievingly.

"She's pregnant. Mika is."

Eiri sat up abruptly. "Is it yours?"

"Who else's would it be?" Tohma heard slight despair filter into his voice. "She's not like me."

"You're both annoying." Eiri commented unhelpfully, not seeming too concerned with Tohma's predicament. He slid back to his former vegetative state.

Tohma choose to ignore Eiri's remark. "I want her to get rid of it." _I need her to get rid of it._

"She won't. She's stubborn. She's wanted a kid since I can remember."

"I know." Tohma exhaled unsteadily.

Eiri waved his hand around hazily. "My dad was pissed off when she started sprouting about kids, said she should become a nun. You know that doesn't suit her one bit. Doesn't suit any of us kids. So when that didn't work, he tried to marry her to a Zen monk. Keep the line going. The religious nut was some hillbilly. Lived in this tiny traditional town, no shopping center for miles."

Tohma snorted.

"Yeah, right. Dad was screwed. The whole damn temple is screwed. But you know what? I could really care less. He doesn't get what he did wrong."

"What did he do wrong?"

"I…" Eiri's hand stopped and dropped to his side. His voice held a hint of startlement. "I don't know either. He was ok. He tried his best. I guess we're all screwed now."

"I guess we are."

"What the hell did I do to have such bad karma?"

Tohma smiled humorlessly. "Kill some people."

"I mean before. What did I do before…that made me this screwed up now?"

"Who knows?"

"I bet somebody knows."

Tohma smiled a bit. "You mean like a physic?"

"No, retard. Like…I don't know. Somebody." Eiri waved at the ceiling.

"Like God?" Tohma couldn't suppress a disbelieving smirk.

Eiri didn't catch the sarcasm. "Yeah. Yeah, like that."

"Maybe," Tohma said doubtfully, hands flopped helplessly. "Maybe there's nothing. Just a big, huge nothing."

"You might be right."

They lapsed into silence for awhile.

"You know, you're pretty decent, Seguchi."

Tohma stiffened, then sudden realization hit him. "Eiri, are you drunk?"

"Possibly."

A maternal, scolding tone entering into his voice, Tohma asked, "How many drinks did you have, Eiri? How many drinks could make _you_ drunk?"

"I don't remember, but you look really hot."

"Eiri," Tohma said logically, "Eiri, maybe you should go to bed." Fear was rising in Tohma's chest. If Eiri was depressed enough to drink himself into a state where he rambled about religion, then Shindo's sudden trip must have really hit him hard.

"Sounds good. Come with me." Eiri's fingers inched up Tohma's arm while he pushed himself up to Tohma's level. Slight stubble brushing against Tohma's smooth skin, Eiri pressed his lips against the other mans cheek.

"Eiri…" Despite himself, Tohma wanted Eiri to continue. Mika's intense, hurt eyes gazed fiercely into the depths of his soul. He was betraying her generous, unearned trust by even being so close to Eiri, by even wanting him to kiss him again. And yet, he couldn't help himself. For years, he had longed for Eiri to notice him, to touch him, to like him, and now that it was finally happening years of pent up emotion took over everything logical. He began to respond to Eiri's insistent coaxing, leaning his head backward to allow Eiri to kiss his neck repeatedly.

"Come on…come on…" Eiri breathed seductively onto Tohma and Tohma recognized too late the overly heavy beer smell wafting over him. Tohma's bowler hat slipped off and dropped carelessly to the ground.

Conflicting emotions battled fiercely for dominance inside Tohma's chaotic mind. Every ounce of his mental strength concentrating on the task, Tohma finally stood up and pushed Eiri off him. "I promised Mika…I wouldn't…"

Eiri pulled Tohma back down into his former sitting position. "Why does she have to know anything? You said she was a business deal. Well, now your business deal is paying off."

"Eiri, we shouldn't…" Tohma struggled feebly as Eiri pushed him down onto the couch. _Eiri… Eiri…_ Tohma felt Eiri straddle him and lean down to kiss him seductively on the lips. Two hands reached under his suit and rubbed with a harsh, forceful touch.

Pressing his lips against Tohma's startled ones, Eiri found his kiss quickly and passionately returned. Hands clutched his shirt and his brother-in-law pushed his lips back onto his. "Better," Eiri whispered as Tohma succumbed. Unbuttoning Tohma's pants for him, Eiri smiled as Tohma's hurried hands clumsily began undoing Eiri's shirt.

"Why are you doing this, Eiri?" Tohma asked desperately, "Why?" _I don't see why…I suddenly deserve your affections…_

Eiri didn't respond.

* * *

I think this story is the first Gravitation fanfiction where two characters sit around discuss religious issues. Don't quote me on that though, lol! One time, I read a story about these Fruits Basket characters and it had all these religious referances that didn't go with the plot. It was odd. I'm **not** trying to promote anything here, and I'm deffinately **not** trying to portray Buddhism in a negative light. I'm a Buddhist myself, ignoring the fact that I'm not a very religous one! 


	7. Chapter Seven

This is like the most depressing chapter yet. I was so depressed writing this! Oh, it was so sad, I couldn't read the last sectionone final time beforeI submitted it. So sad! Hope everyone is in character!

**Chapter Seven**

Night was falling over N-G productions. Absolutely exhausted, Tohma stared, disgusted, at a pathetic-looking band submittal for several minutes before tossing it into the trash. How in the world has this band gotten as far as his desk? Smiling cheerily at the distraught young man before him, he said sincerely, "Your band isn't N-G material. "New Kids" is not an original or satisfactory band name. Your lyrics are a bunch of drivel. In addition, I cannot accept a band with substandard fashion sense. Come back if you find where you dropped your talent." Tohma's smile widened. "Thanks so much for coming in today. I really enjoyed our time together. Please take pleasure in our complimentary guide service. Now, if you will excuse me. Unfortunately, I have other matters to attend to."

While the rejected artist wandered out of Tohma's office, dazed, Tohma pressed the "hold" button on his phone. "Seguchi speaking."

"Tohma?" Mika's concerned voice struck his guilty ears. "Tohma—"

Tohma's hand tightened slightly on the phone. "I'm sorry," he said hastily, "I've just been so busy lately. I—"

"Tohma, Eiri's not answering his phone. I thought it might just be me, but I called with my new cell phone number and he still didn't pick up. I'm worried—he hasn't picked up all day, and yesterday he said he would be home."

A sharp intake of breathe. "All day?" Tohma asked, voice tinged with sudden fear.

"All day. Are you too busy? Should I go over?"

"No, I'll go. I'll go right now." Tohma set down the phone and stood up rather abruptly. He grasped his briefcase and hurried out, abandoning two hours of unfinished work on his desk. Nittle Grasper's multiple albums flew past him. A fluttering panic whirling inside of him, he found himself outwardly calm, fierce and controlled. He headed towards Mr. Sakano's office, but never made it there.

"Mr. President?" The very man met him at the elevator, looking disheveled and put off. "You're going home early?"

"Yes." Tohma told him amiably, "I have personal matters to attend to." Seeing his admirers concerned features, he held his hand out in gentle protest. "Oh, don't worry, The interviews are over for today. I will be back early tomorrow morning to finish up."

Mr. Sakano nodded hurriedly. "Yes, yes, yes. I understand."

"Good. I shall leave then. Please lock up the top floor for me tonight." Tohma stepped into the elevator and smiled reassuringly until the door hid him from view.

Tohma's kind smile crashed. _Eiri…oh God Eiri…please be alright or I don't know what I'll do…_ This wasn't a first occurrence; it wasn't like Eiri had never answered his phone before. But every time it happened, Tohma's thoughts automatically turned to the worst. Sometimes when he would lie in bed at night, he would imagine gruesome scenes of death and destruction from inside Eiri's bathroom. Eiri would be slumped on the floor in his mind, wrists slashed, sunk in his own pooled blood. Tohma was so far removed from Eiri's true feelings and life that he didn't even know if his fear was justified, but it was always there. Constantly alive, eating away at his mind. In Tohma's scenario he would always arrive too late. Just too late. Always too late. He tried to block the horrid images from his mind, tried to force them into the same dark chamber where his discovery of Eiri's attempted rape lay, but they would never stay where they would supposed to stay. Why, why couldn't his brain be as organized as it seemed inside the TV? Why couldn't he really be the mythical Tohma Seguchi from behind the magic screen? Where was the perfect, rich life that his perfect twin lived so extravagantly? Too late. Too late. Too late for sixteen-year-old Eiri. Too late. Always too late.

* * *

Tohma clomped hurriedly into Eiri's apartment, not bothering to knock. Nearly racing into the kitchen, Tohma's eyes widened in horror and his heart exploded. 

Scattered all over the table were traces of Shuichi: the pink pullover Tohma had tried to discard, the printshop photo, the thermometer, a Nittle Grasper album with "Ryuichi is a God!" scrawled on it, a messy note in Shuichi's handwriting, and finally an empty box of strawberry pocky. But Tohma's eyes only briefly scanned this carnage, instead fixing on Eiri's huddled figure seated in his usual chair.

Tears flowed down Eiri's face, and both of Eiri's nearly white hands were twisted almost painfully into his disorganized hair. He hadn't realized Tohma's presence, and his breathe was coming out short and gasping. His shoulder's shaking, Eiri's horrid pants almost seemed to be caused by a physical wound. Untangling his one hand, he led a shaking finger towards Shuichi's face and passed it over the grinning features halfheartedly before dropping his arm to the table.

"Eiri!" Tohma's own pained voice frightened him, "E-Eiri!" Stunned brain blanking of any rational thought, he rushed to Eiri crying, "Eiri! Oh Eiri, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! It's my fault! It's my fault! Oh God Eiri, it's my fault! Eiri! Eiri!"

A crazed, violent look in his eyes, Eiri shot up and whirled on Tohma threateningly, tears flying from his face. "What the hell are you doing here! What the hell! Have you ever heard of knocking before walking into someone's apartment!" For a second, Eiri grasped his chest and stared at the floor, breathing hoarse, then his hands flew out towards his chair.

Tohma could only stumble backwards in shock before hard wooden legs struck him on the head and stomach. Crashing to the floor, momentarily stunned, he stared in terror as an enraged Eiri loomed over him.

"Get out!" Eiri roared as Tohma tried to push the chair off of him, "Get out, dammit! Fuck you! Fuck you!" When Tohma failed to move fast enough for Eiri's liking, Eiri's foot flew out struck Tohma harshly in the chest. "You-get-out!" He gasped, reeling backwards suddenly. "A-ahh…" Pressing his palm hard against his forehead, Eiri gazed uncomprehendingly at Tohma's trembling form.

"Eiri, I'm sorry!" Tohma pleaded sincerely and desperately, clutching his hand to his sharply throbbing abdomen and shielding himself with his other hand. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry for everything! I was just…trying…to…help you…"

"I…" Eiri's eyes widened in comprehension. "Seguchi? Seguchi?" Eiri fell to the floor on his knees, wheezing. "I-I'm sorry…I…I…you know…never wanted…lose control…again…sorry…" Reaching out a shaking hand, Eiri clutched Tohma's shoulder with force enough that Tohma felt nails digging deep into his skin. "So…sorry…but…don't…feel good…chest…hurts…" Water overflowed his eyes and crawled down his already wet face.

"Eiri!" Tohma sobbed, panic filling his entire body with a strange stiff sensation as Eiri's head dropped to his chest. Limp hand falling from Tohma's shoulder and striking the floor, Eiri crumpled into Tohma's shocked arms. "Eiri!" Tohma whimpered, hands tightening around his beloved. "Eiri!" Tohma stared at the limp, pathetic form for at least a minute before stumbling backwards away from it. Blindly making his hurried way through the apartment, he tripped over an unfamiliar box and fell into its depths. Kicking himself away from a tousled mess of what was clearly Shuichi's clothing, he finally reached the phone. For an unexplainable reason, the phone seemed to be some type of beacon, a strange type of light. Clammy hand almost dropping Eiri's salvation, Tohma hurriedly dialed emergency.

* * *

That was really angsty. There are only three more chapters after this, and there might be an epilogue. I'm not sure about the epilogue yet. I'll have to see when I get there. Amazing, this story is going so fast! 


	8. Chapter Eight

**I have several important things to say!** The first thing is...I planned this from day one, and so, it's how it's going to go. Please don't take my head off! Second thing, even more important is that I didn't even watch the last parts of the anime where Eiri collapsed tell, uh, like right now. This isn't supposed to be a repeat of it. I wrote this before I saw it. I hope you like it!

**Chapter Eight**

Body strangely devoid of sensation and feeling, Tohma stared blankly at the blurred white hospital floor. The fake atmosphere of home and familiarity disconnected him even more from the noisy waiting room. _Thud…thud…thud… Clink…click…click…_ Hospital personal and visitors continued their lives around Tohma's huddled figure, blessedly oblivious. Disembodied from his physical self, his mind wandered aimlessly from desolate plane to desolate plane. His fault. It was his fault all over again. _He_ had made Shindo leave Eiri. _He_ had taken Eiri from Shindo—and by doing so, had destroyed Eiri as well as the object of his jealousy. He had blundered drastically again. But this time, Eiri might die. Eiri would leave him forever, and he would disserve it. He would deserve all of it. But Eiri wouldn't. Eiri didn't warrant the pain and the suffering that he had dealt with so many years, and if Tohma had been a competent protector, he wouldn't have had too.

Tohma's hands knitted deeper into his hair, pushing his hat into an awkward position. _I'm going to do the right thing now…_ Tohma steeled his resolve with the force he applied to his company. _If…if Eiri…doesn't…When Eiri is alright, I'm going to give him up. I'll tell him to go get Shindo from America. No. I'll _suggest_ that he go get Shindo from America. Shindo makes him happy. He can protect_ _Shindo. I _should_ understand his need to do that. I'm not good enough. I'm just not good enough. Shindo is who he loves, and who he needs. Not me. Not me! So I'll fade away, and leave him. No—_

Shoulders flinching with agony, Tohma suddenly gasped the air that he hadn't been breathing. Never go see Eiri again? No, impossible. He was too selfish for that. _Maybe I'll just watch him from a distance. See him when he comes to pick up Shindo. Call him? Perhaps._ But Tohma resolved that he wasn't going to try to protect Eiri anymore, no matter how much it pained him and confused him. He still didn't understand what was wrong about wanting to keep somebody safe and happy, but he must have been doing something wrong. Whenever he tried, it didn't work. Maybe he was useless. Somebody else probably would have done a much better job.

"Tohma." A tender voice floated through his thoughts. "Tohma…"

Even if it wasn't what Tohma thought was best, he would let Eiri struggle it out on his own. Eiri could learn better that way. But to watch him stumble without support…to fall? No, not without support. Without Tohma's support. _I'm not going to be able to stand this,_ Tohma thought miserably, _I can't stand not being his trusted protector, even if he doesn't trust me and he doesn't need protection. I need the title in my mind, even if I always do things wrong. Somehow, It comforts me._

"Tohma."

Turning his head towards his wife's loving voice, he quickly averted his eyes. Mika…the woman he had used to get to Eiri. Why was she still standing there? How could she still look at him? He had been avoiding her for days, and now he couldn't even look her in the eye. _Why, why can't she just reject me, and get it over with? How can I look her in the eye and tell her I cheated…again? Will she ever forgive me? Will I be able to stop myself the next time? If there is a next time...with him._

"Thank you. You saved him." Smiling resignedly, Mika sat down next to him and tentatively placed her hand on his tense arm. "If you hadn't gone to see him…"

"No," Tohma protested her words weakly, "If I had done everything right in the first place, we wouldn't be here. Eiri wouldn't be here."

"I know you make mistakes. A lot of mistakes." She smiled, not really amused. "But you didn't try it, Tohma. You didn't try it, while you were trying so hard."

"But that makes me incompetent," Tohma countered, "I should be good at it."

"If you love somebody, you don't have to be perfect. I love you, and I goddamn know you're not perfect. I don't think I could love that block of ice that so many people see you as." Mika's hand traveled to Tohma's farther side and she leaned her head on his shoulder.

Trembling, Tohma tried to shrug away her unwelcome affection. "Don't touch me," he pleaded, "I don't deserve you. Please don't. You're not stupid. You know why I married you. You know…I can't…I'm not…I always…"

Mika held on and drew her husband closer. "You cheat. I know. You don't love me. I know. You mess up. I know. It's alright, Tohma, I love you. All I ask is that you try, and even if Eiri won't accept that, I will."

"I don't have any right to that sort of devotion." Tohma shook his head hopelessly. "I don't."

"No, you don't, but I'm giving it to you as a gift!" Mika insisted, eyes shining with vehemence.

"I…" Tohma was distracted by a timid nurse wandering nervously towards them.

"Excuse me, are you…Mr. and Mrs. Seguchi?" When Mika nodded in affirmation, the woman smile got brighter and a blush crept over her formerly pale features. "G-good evening. Mr. Uesugi is going to be alright. He was suffering from stress-related heart palpitations. You can see him in a few hours, but right now he is resting."

Tohma stood up abruptly, eyes shinning with relief and potential tears. "Thank you very much. I think I can speak for both of us in saying we are very relieved."

The woman nodded and hurried off, leaving Tohma in a dazed release.

* * *

As Tohma crept into Eiri's room, he fearfully noted the paleness of Eiri's cheeks and the way his breathing was slightly off. "Eiri?" He asked tentatively, "Eiri? Hi. Mika's here too. She's getting you lunch." 

"Hey," Eiri muttered groggily, "Hey, thanks, Seguchi. Thanks…a lot. I didn't want to die."

"Well, that's good to hear," Tohma said in a fake cheerful voice, chest flooding with an elated wave of emotion. Just as soon, the wave crashed. "I'm sorry too. This…this is all my fault…" He dragged a gray folding chair over to Eiri's side and sat down weakly.

"Shut up," Eiri snapped shortly, "Shut up. You always say that. You act like I have no thoughts of my own, like I can't say no to your wishes and advice. It's just as much of my fault as it is yours. It's always been like that. I always listen to you, and then you say it's your fault if things go wrong. I'm not dumb, you know. I can think up solutions on my own. And then there are the times when nothing is your fault, and you say it anyway. That's really irritating, especially when I think about when I was young and believed all the crap you told me."

Slam. Two waves crashed violently inside of Tohma, one of light, airy amazement and one of disbelief. His eyes widened, mouth opening without anything to say. It wasn't…his fault? How…how could everything not be his fault? Finally, he managed, "When were things not my fault, Eiri? Everything—"

"—'You haven't done anything wrong. I'm sorry. It's my fault.'" Eiri quoted effortlessly, voice a dull monotone. "…I believed you, dammit. Seguchi, I was angry, and I blamed it on you."

"Oh, but Eiri, it was!" Tohma exclaimed, almost panic stricken, "That was never your fault! Never, it _never_—"

"Did I say it was my fault?"

Tohma's head slumped. "No…" he said softly, "But…if someone…if someone…" Tohma's hands covered his face, as if trying to hide the horrible thoughts he had never wanted Eiri to know, even while they poured from his mouth. "If someone knows how a-a molester feels, they should realize when one is shaking their hand!"

Eiri's head turned towards Tohma's muffled sobs. "What the hell are you talking about? You never—"

"—But you don't know how much I wanted too! Oh, no, not raping you, I would have never thought of doing that to you! But you were so cute, you were so cute Eiri! I had never met anyone like you before. And I, I would hold your hand on the streets, and sometimes I would touch you. You know. But I would stop myself before…but I…I…"

Eiri's gaze didn't waver. "I was sixteen. I knew what you wanted. But you never hurt me. Not once. You never took advantage of me. _I_ wanted to hold _your_ hand, remember? Seguchi, you would touch me on the head and shoulder and smile. Only once, you tried to kiss me, but you stopped. You had this disgusted look on your face, and you avoided me for days. Remember?" He snorted. "In my teenage brilliance, I thought you didn't like me. I thought…I had done something wrong. Yuki…it was different. He would suggest that I do…things, and he would always…touch me." A slight shudder shook Eiri's body, and Tohma winced visibly. "I thought he liked me…a lot….But I was wrong." He shrugged stoically, but his deathly hand traced the plain white sheet of the bed in wistful memory.

Shaking his head, Tohma's sobs increased and his shoulders shook. "But I _wanted _to—"

"—And that's the difference," Eiri said simply, a sigh of exasperation escaping his lips, "between you and him. The point is, it wasn't your fault, and this isn't your fault. So shut up."

Tohma's weeping grew more potent and gasping, and he rested his head on his hands, which were clasped on Eiri's bed. "Eiri…" He whispered like the name was a forbidden magic spell. Not…his fault. Eiri thought it wasn't his fault. Years of pain and self-accusations leaked halfway away, leaving dark dissolved water and a rusted, painful residue. Only Eiri. If it would have been anyone else, he would have never believed them. Ever. But with Eiri just stating it coldly and obviously, like it was a well-known fact, something clicked marvelously. "Eiri…I love you…so much…" Hands playing absentmindedly with his short gold locks, he murmured, "Thank you…thank you…" _Not…my fault…not…me…_

"It's just the truth, idiot. You were annoying me because you always say it, and it was beginning to piss me off, so I decided to enlighten you."

A choked laugh breaking into his sobs, Tohma raised his head, shoulders now shaking with tension-relieving chuckle. "Alright," he agreed easily, "If you say so."

Eiri just grunted and flicked his eyes momentarily toward the ceiling.

Giggling onward, Tohma found it hard to control himself. Something had burst inside him, something that should have burst a long, long time ago. It hadn't gone away, and guilt still played heavily on his heart, but it had lessened beautifully. _Not…my fault…could it really be true? _Tohma…couldn't remember…feeling like this… "I love you, Eiri," he laughed hysterically, "I love you!"

"Eh, thanks." Eiri said shortly, not returning the sentiment.

Containing himself, Tohma's face returned to seriousness. Sighing, he said intensely, "And that's why I want you to go to New York. You must go get him back."

Eiri's lazy expression grew astounded. "What!"

Unable to help himself, Tohma found he was using the phrases he always used when flinging his overprotective suggestions upon Eiri. "It would be best for you if you went and got him. I thought you would be happier if he wasn't here, but apparently I was wrong. I guess his presence, though very aggravating, is slightly less harmful then his absence."

"You think so?" Eiri sighed, gazing at the fan spinning half-heartedly above him. "…I don't know. I really don't know. All I know is that I miss him. I tried to forget him, but it…didn't work."

Tohma's hand found its way to Eiri's beautiful hair. Petting him lovingly, he smiled in a strained fashion and told him sincerely, "Please go get him. Please go get him, and I'll try not to…be so…forceful…with what I want you to do. I promise…this will be the last time I try to push my will on you."

"That's ironic," Eiri told him, "Telling me what to do, then saying you won't do it anymore. That's so like you. But…ok. Alright. I'll listen to Mr. Seguchi one last time. But this time, I'll take it as advice. Brother."

Tohma stiffened and his hand stopped its roaming caress for a moment. A small but genuine smile playing on his lips, he continued his affections as Eiri's eyes rolled into his head once more.

* * *

Please tell me what you think, I'm anxious about this chapter! 


	9. Chapter Nine

Yay, it's done...finally. I hope there are no errors...I wrote part of this tonight...I hope such habits of submitting so fast don't continue. I've been so behind...

**Chapter Nine**

Tohma allowed himself one final, shaky sigh before pushing open his door. Staring at the floor, he stepped reluctantly into the threshold. Maybe he shouldn't have gotten the flowers; maybe he would have done better without them. But here they were, and so, he had to use them now. Mika's distant footsteps soon rang ominously in his ears, and as he heard them come closer, he had to will himself to not turn around and walk away. Apprehension soon overwhelmed his senses and transformed into terrified dread. _What will she say when she finds out? What will she do? I promised her that I wouldn't again, and I did anyway. What if she doesn't accept me back? What if she leaves me all alone? I can't stand to be all alone!_ Tohma clenched the flowers harder and bit, hard, into his lip._ I don't care if I look all-powerful and mighty on TV, I'm not, and if she leaves me too, I'm going to crumble. I'm such an idiot. I gave Eiri away without a certain backup. Never complete a transaction without assurance of a Plan B. Was that what Mika was? A Plan B?_ Familiar guilt slithered its way into his chest, scratching its slimy claws across his heart and clenching greedily upon it. Tohma's head sunk lower. What would it be like, living in this enormous house, all alone? Alone, alone! He had always been scared of being left alone. _Ten year old Tohma cried in a corner while the other children played. Make them stop laughing at him. _Alone, alone!

"Tohma? You're home e—" Her startled voice suddenly stopped, and soon afterwards gentle hands pried the expensive flora for his stiff fingers. "You got me flowers? Why? What did you do for me to deserve such lavish affections?"

He couldn't look up while he slipped into the family room, settling down on the couch, hands entwined with each other and head resting upon them.

"Tohma!" Mika exclaimed anxiously, following him with a suspicious scowl etched on her face. "What's wrong?" Placing the flowers upon a nearby table, she quickly seated herself beside her husband. "Look at me."

Tohma shook his head frantically, knitting his hand into his hair. "No, no…I can't…"

"Don't be pathetic, Tohma. Look at me."

Forcing himself to gaze into the blue abysses, he managed to smile weakly at her. "Do you know how much of a horrible husband I am?"

Mika sighed and moved long fingers through his hair, disheveling it and pushing it into funny positions. "You let me mess up your business hair."

Tohma's smile twisted, becoming flawed and eventually crumbling. Unable to reveal his trembling mouth, he turned from her harshly. Getting up, he stepped to the window and gazed out upon the people carrying out their oblivious lives below him. "Why can't the world be perfect?"

"Because people can't be perfect, Tohma. You know that all too well."

"Why can't people be perfect? Is it because they have emotions? Maybe it would be best if nobody had any emotions. Then, everyone could think logically. Then there would be no need for tears, or pain. Then…I wouldn't be able…to hurt anybody…" Mika tried to protest, but Tohma raised a hand, requesting she let him finish. Tohma pulled the string dangling beside him, pulling blue curtains tightly shut. "The people out therecan't see us now, but they wouldn't have wanted to anyway. Everyone is shut up in their little worlds, tiny bubbles where they can't consider anybody else. They don't think about how they hurt other people, even if they know they are. But the bubbles pop, and then they are able to see what they've done. Maybe it would be even better if people popped their own bubbles. Then, they would be able to see when they were hurting other people, and stop. You know? Maybe that would be even better then having no emotions." Tohma gazed wistfully at the shuttered window. "My bubble's popped, but it's far too late."

"Did you do it again?"

Tohma's head dropped to his chest, and he struggled to speak as his words stuck in his throat. Closing his eyes, he breathed deeply and finally spoke calmly. "Yes, yes I did. He was drunk, he almost forced himself on me. But I wanted to, so that's not really important."

There was a cruel silence. _Please, say anything. Anything! _Tohma became fascinated with the multifaceted carpet under his feet. Eyes glazing over, he continued to stare relentlessly downward. They both waited for the other to speak, a fake, sticky politeness wafting through the air.

Finally, Tohma decided Mika must be waiting for something more. Stuttering slightly, he finally managed to continue. "I-I sent him away. He is going to go get Shindo from America. I'm sure Shindo will never let me see him. Even if he does, Eiri will have someone better, and he won't want me anymore. So you won't…have to worry about…your wayward husband…with somebody else… Because he's the only other person…besides you…I really want…" Tohma looked at the ceiling as if wishing it would send him a reprieve of some kind. Of any kind. Tears pooled over in his eyes, finally trickling down his face andonto his suit. "…and he'll never touch me again. I've…made sure of that…I'm sorry…I've been so…selfish." Nearly trancelike, Tohma turned his head towards Mika and gazed into her dry, wide eyes.

Mika released a heavy sigh and ran her hand through her hair. "Yes, yes you have. I…don't know what to do." She stood up, stepped shyly over to him, and hesitantly reached for his hand. Placing his hand over her stomach, she smiled slightly and leaned her head on his chest. "I don't think you do either. So just hold me…and our baby."

"Ok…" Tohma whispered, awkwardly sliding his arms around her. Breathing into her hair, he continued to cry silently, heedless of the saltwater that clung to his wife's tresses. "I don't know what to do with…it-I can't…I know that I'll probably be…a bad father…and I'm afraid…that the kid won't like me…"

"Why?"

"…because I'm always away, and I never come home…and I—"

Mika smiled and drew her hands around Tohma. "—And those are irreversible characteristics?"

Opening his mouth to protest, Tohma closed it again hurriedly. They clung to each other silence for awhile, before Tohma murmured imploringly, "I'm sorry…about everything. Please don't leave me...alone…"

"Life is unpredictable. I can't promise anything. While I'm still breathing, I can tell you I'll try."

"Yes…please try."

* * *

Straight romance...not my usual style...I hope my yaoi fan readers acept this, lol! It wasn't the most fun chapter to write either. The next chapter...I've been anticipating this onesince day one. Yay, expecta fast update!**Only one more chapter...so sad!**


	10. Chapter Ten

Hi everyone! The final chapter! huggles So sad, so sad! But happy too. I have mixed feelings. This is my first ongoing story that I've finished. It's amazing. Thanks soo much for all of your support! You guys helped make this story possible! Below is my notes to all of you who reviewed!

**Chapter Ten**

Eiri's fingers fiddled impatiently with the "Give a penny, take a penny" cup. The cheap plastic squeaked in protest, but Eiri pressed his thumbs harder against the smooth surface. Smudging the purple marker below, his fingers soon gained a slightly lavender touch. His glaring eyes scanned the airport's café staff with the indignation born of a long wait, and his mouth was clenched shut. Nervousness readily apparent, Eiri's anxiety was beginning to rub off on Tohma.

"Flight 221?" Tohma asked for the second time that day, trying to make casual conversation.

Eiri's eyes widened as the plastic cracked open. Shoving the damaged item discretely back into its former position, he grunted in affirmation.

"Are you going to watch the movie? I think that it's in English. Help you recall some words, maybe?"

A negative snort.

Ok, then. Tohma watched mutely as a young man approached the counter with their overpriced coffee. "I'll pay," Tohma told both of them in a voice that suggested no argument.

"Great," Eiri said shortly, grasping his coffee and stalking towards a nearby table.

Tohma paid and reveled in the look the boy gave him as he flourished several 10,000 Yen bills. Hurrying towards Eiri, he took the empty seat at their small table.

Drinking in silence for awhile, the two men avoided eye contact. Eiri gazed out onto the buzzing crowd, while Tohma swirled his coffee round and round, round and round with a green stirrer. The thick substance began to move at breakneck speed, and soon Tohma's eyes were fixed on the miniature whirlpool.

Are you happy you're going?" he asked wistfully, eyes darting to Eiri's stoic face.

"I guess," Eiri muttered, taking a long swig of drink.

"Are you…afraid to go back there?"

Eiri's eyes followed a blonde-haired boy darting his way energetically through a sea of nondescript conformity. Silent for a long time, he finally spoke, but without answering the question. "Where is his Tohma?"

Blinking, Tohma followed Eiri's fixated gaze. "What?"

"Where is his Tohma?" Eiri repeated, emphasizing every word as if his companion was stupid. "Where is his Tohma? He's not going to get far without his Tohma."

Tohma's eyes widened as he gazed at Eiri's dispassionate face. "E-Eiri!" he stuttered.

"If he doesn't have his Tohma he's going to get lost. He's going to get lost, and his Tohma won't be there to find him and bring him back."

"…Maybe he doesn't have one," Tohma whispered.

"No," Eiri said, "I'm writing the story, and that would be too sad."

The boy disappeared into the scurrying masses.

"Maybe his Tohma doesn't know the right way either. Maybe he'll make little Eiri as lost as he is."

Eiri shrugged. "His Tohma is probably less lost them him, so it's alright." Shoving his hands into his pockets, he gazed upwards at he plain white ceiling. After a contemplative minute, he turned his eyes towards Tohma. "I guess…I was a jerk…before…"

Unconsciously Tohma flinched. "I…my fault…I shouldn't have…been so clingy…"

"You _are_ annoyingly sticky. You won't come off. …But…I've thought…I was using you…and I've thought…" Eiri frowned deeply and pressed a fist against his forehead as if trying to force clearness into his thinking. "I've thought…I have more of Yuki in me…then a penname. I…didn't…damn it all!" Swearing loudly, he glanced at Tohma and brought his fist down with controlled force. "I didn't…think…before…doing something…that would hurt you. I…I wanted to forget…my pain…so…I used you…so I couldn't think anymore."

Tohma smiled wanly. "It's ok. I wanted you too, remember. And…you're not like him. You could never be like him."

"I think there is bias in that discernment."

Tohma shook his head venomously. " …At least you weren't jealous. At least you didn't…hurt someone…because you were jealous. I'm-I'm so sorry Eiri! I…hurt him…Shindo…I hurt him…I told him you slept with me…without the details. I made it seem like you were attracted to me…I didn't figure that that would hurt you too…" Shaking his head, Tohma buried his head in his arms. "I'm sorry! I never wanted to hurt you…I…just…wanted you. I was so jealous!" Looking up into Eiri's unreadable eyes, he whispered, "You're just…so lovely, Eiri! I…can't help myself…"

"You told him?" Eiri asked, an odd tone coloring his voice with distress.

Tohma gazed at the table mournfully. "I'm sorry," he murmured, "I didn't think about…hurting you…"

Standing up abruptly, Eiri nearly knocked over his seat. Pressing his hands upon the table, he stared intensely downward while breathing heavily. "You told him…you…" Eiri sighed deeply, then grasped his displaced chair and reseated himself. Smiling through clenched, angry jaws, he said tensely, "I guess…I deserve what I get."

Tohma shrugged uncomfortably, and they lapsed into a long, stony silence.

"I guess we should start towards the gates," Eiri suggested, glancing at his watch.

"Yes, yes, I suppose," Tohma agreed without really agreeing. He didn't want this to end. He wanted to sit there in the airport forever, as long as he was with Eiri. He didn't want to lose Eiri in New York ever, ever again. But, that's the way the coin had fallen, and Tohma had to go with his bet. "The lines are atrocious." Well, these were his last moments. Better make them memorable.

They walked the airport shops, Tohma guiltily imagining they were on a date. Hesitantly, he leaned on Eiri's shoulder and wrapped himself around Eiri's arm. Eiri stiffened, gave Tohma an aggravated look, and pulled away unsuccessfully. Giving in, he wore a look of profound irritation. As people stared and giggled in their direction, Tohma clutched Eiri tighter.

"Let's get you something to read on the flight, ok?" Tohma suggested, a girlish titter in voice. _Let's…stay together…as long as possible… _Leading a frowning Eiri to a stand, he pulled out several magazines and discussed the various pros and cons of each individual one.

Eiri snatched two random magazines from Tohma and shoved money into the vendor's surprised grasp. "Come on," he said curtly, "I'll miss my flight."

"Ok, Eiri." _Please miss it._

As they approached the security checkpoint, Tohma felt Eiri push him away. There was something gentle about the way Eiri pressed against Tohma's reluctant side. Tohma stepped away, blinking back burning tears. Shy fingers clutching Eiri's shirt one final time, he leaned forward and pressed his lips almost clumsily against the other man's cheek. Several of Tohma's tears pooled onto Eiri's face and slid downwards. Too startled to pull back, Eiri stared at Tohma with profound puzzlement.

Tohma rubbed his face hurriedly and gave Eiri a winning smile. "Have a nice trip, Eiri."

"…Uh…thanks," Eiri managed.

Taking a leaden step away, Tohma brushed his hand against Eiri's chest before continuing onwards. Away from Eiri. Away from everything he wanted enough to die for. "Goodbye, Eiri!" He exclaimed cheerfully, waving a perky hand. "Goodbye!"

"Yeah, bye," Eiri muttered, turning towards the checkpoint, "See you later."

"Goodbye, Eiri!" Tohma's jovial words nearly choked him. He walked faster, vision becoming blurry and stepping unsteady. The airport flew past him in a whirl of nondescript colors. Eiri was gone. Eiri was gone. Eiri was gone. Tohma would never get to kiss Eiri ever again. He would never get to touch him again. Eiri was gone, and he couldn't bring him back. Eiri was gone, and Tohma felt like he had nothing left. Eiri was gone. _Goodbye, Eiri…goodbye... _Tears flowed down his face. He didn't care if people looked at them. He didn't care if people stared. All he cared about was Eiri. And Eiri was gone.

The End

So sad! I almost cried writing that. I hope you liked it. Please tell me if I should write an epilogue or not.

**Notes to everyone:**

Ali – I have a friend named Ali, for a second I thought you were her! But you don't write like she does. Anyway, thanks for reviewing my first chapter! I think people need the most encouragement on their first chapter. I'm glad you like the pairing! Me too! They are cute together! I'm really happy you think my story is well written. Thanks so much!

Amaya-san – Hi Meg-chan! Thanks for reading chapter one, even if you really don't like Gravitation. You should like Gravitation. You must like Gravitation! Haha, just kidding. Glad you thought Eiri was in Character. Glad you thought I did a good job! -huggles-

Ahja Reyn – Someone who wants him to get back with Shuichi! You have no idea how glad I was that you wrote that, because I was planning the rest of this story for that to happen, as you now know. Yes! Go write a religious Gravitation fic! That would be so interesting! I'm so encouraged that you like this story so much, even though you like Shuichi/Eiri. That's so wonderful! Thanks so much for all the reviews you gave me, and your continuing support! Your review on chapter eight really helped me. You helped me to feel better about my decision, even if everyone didn't support it. –huggles-

Caer – Glad you read another Gravitation fiction, and it was this story. Wow, that's awesome! Thanks so much for your very encouraging review. I've never had anyone tell me my writing is chilling, but I'll take it as a compliment. I'm very, very ecstatic that you think that this story is heavy. Yay! I enjoy writing stuff where people sit around and talk about their feelings. Thanks for your amazing review, it was incredibly encouraging!

Diamond Lotus – You are my favorite reviewer and my best friend. I think those two go hand in hand. Thanks so much for reading my story all the time, over and over again and checking my mistakes! You're always so encouraging and you always support me. Thanks so incredibly much! Even though you don't like Tohma that much, you still reviewed every single chapter! Thanks so much for reading my story in school all the time!

Goldmund – Thanks so much for reviewing so many of my chapters! I really enjoyed your insight on every single one. I'm glad you wanted Eiri to be with Tohma, that was the impression you were supposed to get, because of everything being in Tohma's thought and all. I agree, Tohma is really adorable. I'm so glad other people think the same way. You are so wonderful for giving me so much encouragement throughout my piece. You made me feel just that much more confident. Thanks so much for your almost constant reviews!

HanyouKagome008 – Your review made me so happy! I'm so glad you enjoy reading my fanfiction, and I'm super overjoyed that you can feel for the characters in this story. I wanted other people to feel what they were feeling too! I'm so happy you thought Tohma was portrayed well. I'm so glad you thought that, because I was worrying he wasn't. Thanks so much for your encouragement and support. Your review made me so incredibly happy. You have no idea. Thank you!

Ivy-queen – I'm glad you felt sorry for Tohma. That was supposed to happen! I agree; Mika is very strong. I never thought about her before this story, but she just kept on popping up and after awhile I was really beginning to get into her personality. She acts like an uber-strong version of me. She marries this gay guy because she's in love with him, then keeps on forgiving him over and over when he runs off with other men! Haha! Thanks so much for your wonderful review!

Jen – Um. Um. I think there was an error in your review, and I'm not quite sure of what you were trying to say. But thanks so much for the effort! I'm glad you liked my story enough (hopefully, _liked_ enough) to review.

Penguinie – I'm very happy you love me and this story! Thank so much for your reviews, they made me feel so wonderful and happy! I'm so glad you think it's a good pairing, me too! I'm so glad I'm not alone, as peoples support of this story indicates. Right now my cat is trying to attack my message to you. This is rather awkward. Little animal, I need to write. Thanks a bunch for all the courage you gave me. –huggles- You are so wonderful!

Pikapikaryuchan – Glad you feel a little bad for Tohma! I hope that you continued to feel bad for him later in the story, he really needs it! Yes, I felt bad for Shuichi too, and I also feel bad because he has almost no part in this story. I'm sorry Shuichi! I'm glad you want to know what happens next, because that means I did something right! Yay! –huggles-

Platina – I'm sorry; you're going to be so mad at me! You probably are mad at me. I'm sorry I made your brain twitch, but I had to go with what I wanted to do. And with how the manga goes. So sorry! Glad you liked the story up to this point! Thanks for the review! –huggles-

Raserei Hoji – I love you! -glomps- Thanks for your friendship and your never-ending stream of long reviews! You're the first person I've met from a story I've written online. Amazing! You're such a wonderful person, and thank you so much for reviewing so much! I'm glad you like my story so much, and I'm sorry you're sad it's ending. I'm sad too. Here is you're last chapter! A gift to you! -huggles-

Saiyukigurl227 – Thanks for reviewing! I'm glad you liked it, and thought it was really good! –huggles- Thanks so much for your encouragement and support! I love when people review!

Silverone – Thanks so much for the tip, and for being my first reviewer! You made me so happy that someone paid attention to my story. I'm always one of those people that need approval to continue doing things, so thanks a bunch! I corrected the errors I made. Ooops, they were big errors too! As you've probably noticed, I posted my story on the site you suggested. At least, I think it's the site you suggested. The one with the name I can never remember. Thanks for that suggestion, it was nice to post on that site as well.

Shuichiyukilover – Oh my God! You just made my life. I was thrilled to get your enormous review. Your review made me so happy. I'm flattered you think this is the 'best' Yuki/Tohma fiction. That's amazing and rather embarrassing! I'm so glad you like my story so much. I'm just so thrilled! You have no idea how happy I am! -huggles tightly- I really hope you enjoyed this last chapter. Thanks so much for your amazing encouragement! I love you so much!

Sutzina Zion – Thank so much for your reviews! You made me so happy when they popped up! I'm sorry your torn, because it could only go one way or the other. Well, realistically and non-disturbingly. I hope your ok with how everything turned up. Yep, baby time! I'm not sure if I'm going to write an epilogue or not, but, since I'm not sure, I'll just tell you, it's a girl!

Wendyghost – Thanks for all your reviews! I was very happy to read all your comments on what was happening throughout the story. Yeah, he was having sex with his brother-in-law. But then again, he did marry Mika just to get to Eiri, so, it's not as weird as it first seems. But it still is a little weird. What I thought about was how they are nine years apart, even though Eiri acts so much older then Tohma. I still think they are a cute couple! Thanks a bunch! Your so wonderful for reviewing over and over again! –huggles-

WolfBane2 — Thank you for reviewing my story over the chapters! I'm sorry you didn't like how the story turned out, it was just how I was planning it. I knew some people weren't going to like it, and I had to steel myself to keep the story going where I wanted it to go, and not how some people wanted it. I decided that it was my story, and I was going to keep it in line with the manga like I had planned. I'm glad you think my story is well written, and I'm glad you told me exactly what you thought!

I hope that's everyone!


	11. Epilogue

Thanks so much for your lovely, deep reviews for the last chapter of this story! I love you guys so much--you came back and reviewed even though the server wasn't working for days. You don't know how much that made my life: I was getting so fustrated because it was the last chapter and I didn't think anyone was going to review. But you guys are so awesome you proved me wrong. And I don't usually like it to be wrong. 

Oh...I don't own Gravitation. I never said that, throughout the whole thing. Oops! It might be too late now. Oh well, I really doubt anyone will sue me. I think disclaimers are kinda like...duh...but that's alright.

**Epilogue**

"Tohma!" Mika yelled impatiently from the kitchen, "Tohma, come give me a hand here!"

"I-I'm coming," Tohma called back, struggling vainly to disentangle himself from a feisty eight-year-old menace. "I…have to help mother," he explained uselessly, "Sakura, please, go play with…uh…I don't know…"

Frowning, his alien daughter gave him a look of intense study. "_I'm_ going to go play baseball with everyone, dad. Everyone's out playing baseball."

_Everyone_ was playing baseball? "Oh…Ok," Tohma agreed in a bit of confusion, still glad to be freed from childcare duties. "Go outside then. And don't forget your mitten—glove—uh…"

"I'm not stupid, dad!" Sakura shouted, sounding insulted, "I wouldn't forget!"

"N-no—" her father conceded gently, "No…"

"Tohma!" Mika had been on edge lately, and today's family get-together had pushed her to the limits of her self control. Finally, she was lashing out at Tohma in a desperate effort to retain order and sanity. "Tohma!"

"I'm sorry!" Bumping into his daughter's eternally unfamiliar green bike, Tohma hurried to his wife's side. "Sorry."

"Hold this," Mika growled, dumping a large bowl of chips into his unsuspecting arms, "And please try to be civil to Shuichi today." Banging various mettle bowls into the dishwasher as loudly as possible, she kicked the door shut with a naked foot.

Tohma backed up carefully as Mika stalked towards the other end of the kitchen. "Why wouldn't I be civil?"

Mika shot him a vicious, knowing glare. "And don't touch Eiri. Plainly, it's embarrassing. Also, wear something normal." She pulled off his beloved black hat and flung it at his chest. "You're getting old Tohma. Famous people get old too. Fur coats and bright green shirts might have been acceptable for a 25 year old superstar, but they aren't suitable for a forty year old father."

"I like my clothes," Tohma told her defiantly, sleek bowl slipping in his grasp as he attempted to rescue his clothing from the chips, "And _you_, try to be pleasant. Try not to snap at people like you're doing to me."

"I don't snap at my guests!" Mika retorted, stomping frazzled and fuming around the kitchen. "And your clothes have got to go. I'm taking you shopping tomorrow. I'm going to buy you some nice shirts and ties."

"I _have_ shirts and ties."

"Fine, but it won't be _my_ fault when Tatsuha calls you an old queen behind your back!"

"He said that?"

"Yes."

"I'm only forty," Tohma told her miserably, "he shouldn't say that."

"No, but he's Tatsuha. What did you expect? Go! Take that to the family room. Everyone should be arriving soon."

* * *

"Eiri!" Tohma exclaimed breathlessly, resisting his near constant urge to throw himself on his brother-in-law. "Come in, Eiri! It's so fabulous to see you! And, uh, Shuichi. So pleasant." Turning his lips upwards in a winning smile, he eagerly pulled off Eiri's coat and then took Shuichi's from him with fake overtones of cheerfulness. "I heard from Eiri you two are having a wedding ceremony soon. That's wonderful." _Liar! _"I would be happy to attend." _Liar!_

"It was Shuichi's idea," Eiri told him with a sigh, "I don't quite see the point. It's not even legal or anything like that."

"But Yuki," Shuichi whined, clutching Eiri's arm tightly, "It shows how wonderfully in love we are!"

_It makes him yours. No argument, nobody else can have him._ "Yes, Eiri. If it means so much to him, you should."

"See," Shuichi purred as Eiri lips thinned with frustration, "Other people understand, Yuki. Don't be bashful!"

_He's not bashful. He's annoyed. But… that might be because Shuichi and I are stuck in a house together. _Not trusting himself enough to respond, Tohma led them silently into the family room, a feigned smile plastered to his face.

Nobody else had arrived yet. Tohma motioned jerkily towards the scarcely used loveseat: a feeble gift. Trying to relax by choosing his ancient brown recliner, he attempted and succeeded in sending a sweet smile in Shuichi's direction. Shuichi stared at him suspiciously and leaned lovingly against Eiri's stoic side.

Wincing as Shuichi's hand clutched Eiri's shirt absently, Tohma finally started a stunted conversation. "I heard your new book was popular over in America, Eiri."

Sliding his arm around Shuichi protectively, Eiri shrugged off Tohma's remark. "Yes, I guess it was. These books…are starting to get repetitive. Maybe I should branch out."

Tohma found himself watching Eiri's fingers stroke Shuichi's shirt with a lustful fascination. "Oh Eiri, you're really doing well. The both of you." Half of him was bursting with happiness for Eiri, but the other half, his vagrant, sneaky side, was hurting enough to die.

"Thank you." Eiri fiddled with the tiny glass statue beside his seat with his other hand. "How much did this cost?"

Tohma gazed at his art accusation with a mild pride. "Fifty thousand yen. Nothing big, but Mika had a fit. Said it was ugly."

"Not that bad; it's pretty nice…Can I smoke?"

A doting, adoring tone snuck into Tohma's voice uninvited. "Of course, dear Eiri." Mouth closing guiltily, he prayed nobody noticed.

Eiri smoked in the awkward silence that followed; the vapors rose towards the ceiling in a massive plume of gray. Tossing his cigarette butt into the nearby ashtray set out for him, he lit up again. More smoke. "…Isn't everyone supposed to be here by now?"

"Yes."

"This is lame. Where's Mika?"

"Scolding Sakura and trying to get her cleaned up. She beat up one of the neighborhood boys."

"She takes after her mother." Eiri smirked slightly. "I'm sure Mika is happy."

"Yes, she is. I'm glad she is. She needs someone else."

"It's good. She won't come over and bother me all the time. Are you taking your pills? Are you this? Are you that? …You should follow her example, Tohma. I have Shuichi to remind me." Eiri fingered Shuichi's newly dyed pink hair with playful affection.

Shuichi made a humming sound of pleasure and announced proudly, "Yuki is so sweet!"

"Well, you know how I worry!" Tohma faked a laugh, but it sounded dead and hollow. "Because I'm not—there—a lot—anymore." Tohma fixated his eyes on an unfamiliar pattern in his newly installed carpet, not daring to look either of them in the eyes. He knew Eiri didn't need him anymore. At all…anymore. Why did Eiri stick around, then? Out of pity? Out of duty? Tohma secretly knew he was pathetic—everyone else had moved on. Everyone else was caught up in the throws of the present…but not Tohma. Other people got over things…and people. Why couldn't he?

* * *

Tohma followed Eiri cautiously to the outside balcony, away from the noisy din that had arisen out of Tatsuha's declaration that he was going to sell the temple. Eiri was staring below at the nighttime streets, hands shoved impatiently into too-small pockets. His blonde hair blew wantonly in the wind, and he tugged one of his hands free to shove the hair back for a single useless moment.

"Are you alright?" Tohma asked carefully, "The temple—"

"I don't give shit about the temple." Sighing, Eiri leaned against the wooden rail and gazed up at the pale red sky. "The temple can burn down to the ground for all I care."

Tohma insisted. "Then, what's wrong? There is something wrong."

"You always know there is something wrong. Why? How can you tell? Because for the life of me I just don't see how."

"The way you isolate yourself. The way your lips get tight and the way your eyes seem to frown. The way you push your hand through your hair—"

Eiri gave Tohma a glare. "—Alright, alright, I get the point. It's obvious."

"No-not really—" _Just to me._ "What's wrong, Eiri?" Shuichi wasn't there. There was nobody there. Tohma's hand reached up for Eiri's shirt, but then it dropped back to his side. _"Plainly, it's embarrassing." I guess…it is…rather sad, Mika._

"It's nothing," Eiri muttered, shaking his head firmly, "Nothing."

"It isn't nothing!" Tohma insisted with vehemence.

"…You," his brother-in-law said finally, sounding rather frustrated.

"What?"

"You: you're what's bothering me."

Tohma's eyes widened in dismay. "Oh! Oh…" he exclaimed, heart pounding with agony, "Oh, Eiri. If…if I bother you so much…I can…disappear…you know…"

"That's not what I meant." Eiri's hand found its way up into his forest of hair. "What I meant was…I've been thinking…you're unhappy. You always want to help me, and…I don't want…well…yeah. You're not supposed to be unhappy."

"E-Eiri?" Tohma whispered, shaking hands tracing the groves in Eiri's palms against his better judgment. "Eiri!"

With a twist of his mouth, Eiri shook his hand away. "Stop, Seguchi…please. …In our relationship it's always been about me. But your human too, Seguchi, even if that can be hard to see sometimes. Lately, I've been so happy—"

"—Then I'm happy!" Tohma lied with agonizing force. Eiri was happy—so he was supposed to be happy. That's what true loyalists felt, right? That's what true loyalists did, right?

Eiri's head shook reproachfully. "But you're not. I can't give myself to you. Can you _really_ be happy anyway? Because…damnit! This..is…hard for me. I'm sorry…if you can't be…"

Trying to smile gallantly even while his lips struggled against him, Tohma gazed up at the sky in absorbed reflection. It wasn't out of pity. It wasn't out of duty. "Because you care about me, Eiri, I can try."

* * *

It's the end, for real! I'm not sure if I should cry or laugh. A side note: my kitten's name is Sakura, and she is one tough kitty, running around and getting dirty...she never seems to get tired. You guys were my cheerleaders and I love you! This is Acerbitas...out! 


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